Original Prankster
by Saranac
Summary: Buffy isn't about to forget how Spike played her and the Scoobies in taking down Adam but neither can she kill him. Alone for the summer she decides to show him that slayers can play games too. The Spuffy Cold War heats back up this summer as Slayer and Vampire wrestle for control the only way they can. Who will blink first? Post S4 with all spoilers in play.
1. Chapter 1

Expanded Summary: Buffy isn't about to forget how Spike played her and the Scoobies in taking down Adam but neither can she kill him. With the Scoobies on vacation and Riley back home for the summer the Slayer makes it her mission to take Spike down a notch. Little does she know that while Spike is toothless he can still give as good as he gets. The only questions are who will blink first and will there be a Sunnydale left standing? Begins summer after Season 4. All spoilers in play. Rated M for mild language, violence, and suggestive themes. Humor/Drama/Adventure/Fun/Angst/Friendship S/B. Starts out angsty but will eventually lighten up.

**FETUS**

"Not that I'm harshing or anything!"

The instep of Buffy's tennis shoe connected solidly with generic vampire number 105's face from a quick but nicely placed roundhouse kick. The powerful strike jerked the vamp's head sharply to the right and had him stumbling off balance. The pair had been at it for nearly five minutes and after that last blow it was clear that the demon would be needing a timeout. Not in any rush to head back home the slayer broke her ready stance, placed both hands on her hips, and continued with her ranting in the hot June night.

"I get it, you know? I really do," she continued. "I'm the Slayer and my place is at the Hellmouth. The Chosen One for the Chosen Mouth – err – Chosen Place! God, how is that any better? Anyway! Xander, Willow, and Riley and the rest? It's not their destiny to spend night in and night out playing glorified vacuum cleaner."

"What?" the vampire mouthed when the stars circling his head finally cleared way to reveal a still very much amped up vampire slayer. "Uh, I'm sorry?"

"Oh?" Buffy blinked when she saw that the vampire was trying to show her some empathy. "Oh," she repeated and smiled, realizing she had an attentive listener. "That's sweet of you to say. I'm Buffy by the way, what's your name?"

"Peter," the vamp pleasantly replied and dropped his own guard to chat with his would-be executioner. "But I wasn't exactly the skinniest guy growing up. So since third grade I was called Porker."

"Aw," Buffy said, sincerely, and then shook her head. "Kids can be so cruel."

"Yeah," Peter nodded helplessly. "No offense but I can see how you might get some shit for 'Buffy.'"

"Oh don't get me started," Buffy groaned and then gave him a curious look. "You're still pretty new at this aren't you?"

"And pretty confused," Peter answered honestly. "I know I want to cut off your head and gorge on your blood but you're awfully nice."

"Thanks I appreciate that... A question though. You said you were new does that mean you haven't eaten anyone yet?" Buffy said carefully.

"Well no," Peter replied and then gestured to the far side of the cemetery. "I only just dug my way out and pretty sure I'm a vampire. I am a vampire right?"

"Yes," Buffy confirmed. "But you haven't bitten or eaten anyone?"

"No but what-"

Buffy's stake was a blur as it plunged into Peter's chest before exploding him into a cloud of dust, a look of confusion still drawn over his face. Buffy lowered her eyes and took a moment to look over the remains of the nice-guy vampire she had been chatting with.

"Because I don't want to remember you as a killer," Buffy whispered quietly to Peter's remains.

"Good show, luv," another voice, unfortunately an all too familiar voice, that unsurprisingly was accompanied by the sound of a zippo lighter being snapped shut.

_And now my night is complete._

"How old is that thing?" Buffy said with a gesture to Spike's lighter.

"This thing?" Spike asked and waved the vintage silver lighter in his hand. "Picked it up in Nazi Germany during the forties."

"And do I want to hear the story behind it?" Buffy continued as she sheathed her stake in the back of her jean's waistband.

"Likely not," Spike smirked and began to prowl over to her with no small amount of swagger in his hips. His stalk resembled that of a panther sizing up of a lonely and helpless gazelle. Luckily for her she was far less a gazelle and more of a lioness. Bonus, according to last year's Discovery Channel marathon a lion would kick a panther's ass.

_Or was it a cheetah? Wait, cheetahs are tiny. Ugh – whatever. Point is even his walk is disgusting._

"You're disgusting," Buffy retorted and turned away to continue the night's patrol elsewhere. She increased her gait to try and put as much distance as possible between her and Spike but the vampire's longer legs easily closed the distance. Moments later and she found herself walking step by step next to her once and future nemesis.

"Most dead bodies are," he said and when she turned her head to the right she picked up on the very condescending glimmer in his blue eyes and ghostly smile. "Including your friend back there, 'Peter Porker.'"

"Even more evidence to the jury," she snapped as harshly as possible and turned away from him once more, hoping he would get the hint already. If he did Spike never showed it – he never does. "Least he never killed anyone."

"He would have," Spike said in a very matter of fact voice. "Would have done you in if you weren't all juiced up on Chosen blood."

"And on to blood," Buffy made an eew-face as the pair exited through the cemetery's rusted iron gates. "That took what, seven seconds? Seriously, Spike, is that all you think about?" When out of the corner of her eyes she caught Spike's knowing leer she shuddered and felt the sudden urge to vomit. "I walked right into that."

"Oh right," Spike smiled seductively. "Like you never got hot and heavy after a good slay."

"Conversation over," Buffy said firmly and decided to play the "ignore the blood-sucker game" until Spike grew bored and left.

"And there it is," he laughed. "Almost isn't a challenge anymore. So easy to get your knickers in a twist and those pouty lips to clam up like a cold fish."

"That it? Keep bringing it," Buffy gibed, unable to control her tongue. "Keep it up and we'll find out how much dust you'll leave behind. Given the size of your over compensating ego I'm thinking less than an ash tray?"

"Maybe," Spike conceded. "Only one way to find out though and we both know the real reason why you aren't reaching for that stake just yet."

"Impotency?" Buffy snorted.

"Hardly," Spike and came to a stop next to a tree. With his back leaning into it Buffy had no intention of stopping and listening to whatever insane troll logic behind Spike's thoughts. "Oh yeah there it is," he drawled. "That hot little body looks so delicious you huffing away like that."

Almost no intention.

"You're a pig, Spike," Buffy shot back and turned around to face him as another thought occurred to her. "And you know what else? Don't think I forgot how you tried to kill me and my friends last month. Playing us against each other? You're not as harmless as you claim."

"Hello?" Spike retorted wryly and took a deep drag off of his cigarette. "Evil. My name is next to it in the bloody dictionary. You white hats are the ones who tried to paint me as toothless."

"A mistake I won't be making again," Buffy promised darkly. "Next time Spike and-"

"And what?" he demanded.

"You know what."

"Yeah I do," Spike sighed as his tone changed from snarky to something else altogether. "C'mon, Slayer. You and I both know we aren't going to kill each other until that chip they stuck up there gets stuck elsewhere."

"No I don't know, Spike," Buffy said as her tone became colder. Her arms tightening across her chest she held her glare on him. "If you really believed that you would've warned me off about Adam." Seeing Spike shift his feet nervously Buffy pressed home her point and this time it was her who closed the distance with each step emphasizing another accusation. "You would've tried to take me out the time you came back all pathetic over losing that ho-bag girlfriend. If you really meant that you wouldn't have tried to take me out wearing that gem. You would've wanted some kind of fair or twisted honorable fight between us."

"That right?" Spike asked, her words quickly stirring up the vampire's ire. Pushing himself off the tree he threw his unfinished cigarette to the ground and stalked closer and closer, meeting her halfway until the two enemies were bare inches apart. The scent of her coconut body wash filled his senses while the smell of leather and tobacco nearly overwhelmed her. Neither would give an inch. "Maybe I'll barricade you in? Set your house on fire, yea? Blow you away with my shotgun? Give me a headache but I'd still bury you six feet under. List goes on, Slayer." He saw her flinch and knew he had gotten to her. It wasn't anything she hadn't already considered but hearing him actually voice that he had similar thoughts did bring up a new perspective to their private little cold war. Would he really go nuclear? Would he take it to the next level?

"What's stopping you then?" Buffy said and even though she managed to say it a very calm measure of voice Spike knew in that moment if he didn't give her a valid reason she would stake him. Stake him and never look back. She knew that threat was always present but she had done her best to ignore up until then. But now it was out in the open and unless he provided a real reason why he was unwilling to resort to that sort of method? She was done taking chances.

"It's one thing to hand you to Adam," Spike said after a very long and tense moment had come and gone. "Or trying to do you in with that pretty rock on my finger. But you see, luv? Each of those times you at least had a fightin' chance. Either way, the day you do snuff it? Just know that ole'Spike here had some sort of role involved."

"I will kill you," Buffy threatened and this time she broke that other unspoken rule they had. She crossed those last few inches to press her body right up against him, nearly nose to nose. Normally Spike would have made some lewd comment but in that moment he considered the subject at hand more important than anything else. It was as sacred a vow that Spike would ever make and to soil it was the last thing on his mind. It also gave him some reflection and in that moment he had a real sense of clarity.

"Maybe," he said quietly and looked away from her, his fingers flexing – wishing he still had that cigarette to occupy himself. "Even if you don't though. If I'm the one who walks away?"

"What?" Buffy growled heatedly. It was only then did Spike realize where his thoughts had been blindly leading him. That if he was the one to walk away alive, undead in his case, he doubted he would ever be the same. He had never met anyone like this slayer before and doubted he would again no matter how long he lived. It was a sobering thought and as Buffy watched the normally adept wordsmith struggle to find the right words to voice his thoughts Spike's inner-dictionary came up blank. Frustrated he scowled and gently pushed her back so as not to activate the chip. The nearness of her was clearly getting to him but as to why Buffy didn't have the faintest of ideas. "Spike!"

"Doesn't really matter now does it, Summers? You'll be a corpse and I'll be back to slaughterin' and shaggin', happily I might add."

"What are you avoiding?" Buffy demanded.

"A very stake-worthy topic," Spike deflected. "This is somethin' I'd like to not talk about, you know? Save it for that day you and I do throw down."

Biting the inside of her cheek Buffy turned away to consider both what Spike was saying and not saying. She knew he wasn't going to kill her or her friends by something so unfitting as a house fire or gun. Even if the explanation he gave was found wanting their past battles were evident enough that he would much rather prefer going at her with "fist and fang" as he would phrase. Anything else that might be said about it was beside the point and she found herself agreeing with his decision to table such a discussion until later. If there would be a later. Spike had made it pretty clear that he was willing to help another of her would be killers, such as the recent situation with Adam. If such an occasion arose again she resolved to stake him on the spot. Until then she was willing to tolerate his presence. As aggravating as Spike could be some nights any kind of familiar company was better than walking alone.

Casting a glance at him over her shoulder it appeared that whatever that moment shared between them was had left Spike equally perturbed. But thankfully, given this uncharacteristic silence, he seemed just as inclined to live in denial-world as she was about what transpired. Resuming her walk to the next cemetery Buffy not surprised when for the second time that night Spike fell into step beside her. It was an interesting facet of their antagonistic relationship. She wasn't sure what else to label what they had but then maybe it was better not to think too much on it. That thought would also go into her denial-vault.

Continuing on in silence they cleared cemetery after cemetery. For Buffy it was because of destiny. For Spike it was to get his rocks off by killing something he could kill. Unfortunately it was summer. With the longer days and shorter nights demon activity as at its low point leaving her "destiny" seeming pretty redundant and Spike restless with unspent energy.

"Mates are out of town then," Spike said after nearly thirty minutes of quiet. Buffy imagined that that thirty minutes of silence was likely a record between the two. "Heard you talkin' about it back there with Porker."

"Willow and Tara are spending their summer at a coven," Buffy told him, seeing no reason to hold out. "Anya is dragging Xander all over the country. Not that she hadn't seen everything already but because she hadn't seen it with him. Pretty romantic actually."

"Yeah," Spike replied, his voice more subdued than from earlier. "Bit like me and Dru would do."

"You say so," Buffy shrugged and kicked the edge of a tombstone.

"Take it then that Soldier Boy is frolicking elsewhere too then," Spike hypothesized. Buffy didn't say anything but then she didn't have to. "And the Watcher?"

"Garage sale actually," Buffy said and a small smile touched her lips at the thought.

"Heh," Spike chuckled. "You must be cravin' the action then." It took Spike a total of five steps before he realized that he was walking alone and when he turned back he saw Buffy glaring at him. Going over what he just said Spike realized what she might have misinterpreted. "What? It's the truth."

"I don't crave slaying," Buffy said sharply. "I have lots of things to keep me occupied."

"Really?" Spike challenged.

"I have to clean the house for one," Buffy started, holding her head high much to Spike's chagrin. She opened her mouth to continue but quickly found herself at a loss for words as her mind came up empty.

"Wow," Spike drawled. "Knowin' how you go spick-and-span that would take an age and a half."

"First! I can spick-and-span with the best," Buffy sputtered much to Spike's amusement. "I'm the spick-and-span... spanner! Understand?"

"You're a cocker spaniel," Spike supplied helpfully.

"Exactly! Second, I don't need to justify myself to anyone – least of all you," Buffy finished confidently and fully under the belief she managed to wipe that annoying smirk off his face. Except of course when she did tilt her head to the right that happy belief balloon was popped. Spike's smug look and teasing glint in his pretty blue eyes zeroed Buffy's satisfaction and doubled her frustration. At that moment she really wished he would just morph into his demonic vampire face. It was so much easier to deal with him like that.

_Give me a reason. Give me a reason to punch that nose. Give me a reason – since when did I start needing a reason?_

"So, you don't crave slaying but love getting' down and dirty with your mop?"

"I – what? No. No! I don't – not? No down and dirties! God, you are so-!"

"Slayable?" Spike offered in a voice suave thick with seduction and his eyebrows doing their talented charmer dance. Buffy only rolled her eyes and sighed in exasperation.

"It's a break. That's what it is. From school and even from slaying. Slaying time off. From full-time to part-time vampire slayer. Break from apocalypses and the traditional monster of the week."

"Really?" Spike asked, clearly trying to fight from doubling over with laughter at her situation. She wanted nothing more than to deck him and walk back home. However the last few weeks devoid of friends and boyfriend had left her craving some company. Some enjoyable way to pass the time. Anything at all and if Spike was all she could manage then so be it. At least until he made her want to throw him off a bridge, which was rapidly approaching.

"Movies," Buffy added when her brain at last gained some momentum. "And books!"

"My oh my, Slayer," Spike teased. "What a rollicking social life you have. How do you ever balance it all out?"

"Shut up, Spike," Buffy snapped but when that evil glint in his eye still shined bright she decided it was time to fight fire with fire. "At least I have family and friends. What do you have? Harmony? Oh but wait – she left you too."

"Bugger that. Have you heard her yammer? Take my hand over that bleedin' PA system," Spike scoffed. Given her own experiences with the former classmate Buffy found herself in agreement of his assessment. Focusing his mind away from the 'PA system with fangs' Spike squinted his eyes as another thought occurred to him. "You are right about one thing. Has been a slow few weeks since that blowout with Adam-And-Pals. I never did spend a summer on the hellmouth before. Thankfully still got my soaps though and whatever demons I can scrap with."

Buffy bit her tongue and suppressed the urge to order him to lean off the demons as she needed any action she could get. Unfortunately her denials about "craving slaying" were still questionable and the last thing she wanted was to hand Spike more ammo to use against her. Not because he would criticize her for it. Aside from Faith no one would understand that craving better. That doesn't mean she was okay with him using it as something to crow about when her friends returned.

_Plus the idea of Spike and Faith together? Very wig-worthy._

"I know how to have fun, Spike," Buffy reiterated in a tone that signaled their back and forth over her fun-life was closed. Unfortunately Spike never cared about tones. Buffy clenched her firsts and decided to do what Giles suggested: close her eyes and count to ten.

_One..._

"Books, movies, and the occasional slay?"

_Two..._

"Stay away from the elderly homes, pet. Don't want to overdo it!"

_Three – four – five..._

Spike couldn't hold it back any longer and howled with laughter.

_TEN!_

"That's so pathetic it's – OW! Bloody 'ell! Why the nose? Always the nose with you!"

"Stay away from me, Spike," Buffy warned, flexing her knuckles from the hard right cross she had landed squarely. "Otherwise you'll find out just how much 'fun' I can have."

"Ooh," Spike taunted despite the pain he felt. Pinching his nose to staunch the blood flow his voice did come off more than a little strained and very nasal, something that pleased her immensely. "Please, you wouldn't know fun if it was spelled out in front of you. Also, and this is off topic, can I borrow your washer for some laundry. That time of month for me."

"What time of whose month?" Buffy asked, her eyes going wide at that particularly worded phrase from his mouth.

"Clothing, pet," Spike said slowly, speaking as if she were a child. A very slow child. "Gettin' tired of breaking into the laundromat."

"Breaking in-? It's open 24 hours a day!"

"I know," Spike whined. "No challenge."

"Stay out of my house, Spike," Buffy growled. She saw his mouth begin to open and decided enough was enough. Slaying alone was better than this. She readied her right leg, her eyes focusing on the perfect target.

"You – BLOODY HELL!"

"What did you expect? You didn't want it in the nose," Buffy said snidely, watching Spike fall to the ground and curl up into a near fetal position. The vampire groaned in writhing pain as he gingerly felt his groin, making sure that both jewels were still safely intact.

"Not fair," he mumbled.

"Hmm," Buffy mused and knelt down next to him. "Know what else? Wasn't nice what you said to my friend Peter. But 'Porker' is hardly something to smile about. No I think 'Fetus' is much – much more original. And looking at you now? Very appropriate."

"Bitch," Spike muttered between coughs of pain. Buffy turned to walk the other way but despite his gasps Spike's chuckles followed after her – wheezing chuckles. "That the best you got, Slayer? No wonder you're alone."

She didn't turn. She didn't say anything back. She kept walking because even though he was the one on the ground Buffy knew that he would be the one smiling when he went to bed that night.

With one more cemetery to go Buffy quickened her pace, eager to get tonight's patrol over with and hopefully not see his mind-blowing face for at least another week.

_Mind-blowing?_

Buffy stopped mid-step and frowned at that particular turn of phrase.

"Even when he's nowhere in sight," she muttered and continued her way to the last cemetery.

_Stupid... Smug... UNBELIEVABLY ANNOYING..._

* * *

"Self-obsessed! 80's reject! Pompous know-it-all!"

For Rupert Giles the soundtrack to Rocky 4 wasn't something he would normally associate with pain but after today he wondered if he would ever be able to listen to the soundtrack or even watch the Rocky movies without wincing.

"Stupid vampire," Buffy spat as she jabbed at the two focus pads he held out for her. "Bloody this and bloody that."

"Uh? Buffy-"

"I can have fun," she ranted. "Lots of fun. I'm a funnosaurus rex!That stupid... Fetus!"

"Fetus?" Giles questioned, momentarily surprised at the latest nickname until her next punch landed. Buffy knew she was supposed to go at only half-strength, or tenth-strength, but Giles had the feeling his charge was lacking her normal focus this afternoon. Given the subject of her rant he was fairly certain as to why or rather who.

"He thinks he knows me so well," Buffy continued waspishly. "Knows all the bloody chinks in my bloody armor!"

"Spike? Wait Buffy-" Giles tried to say only instead to nearly cry from his slayer's continued onslaught.

"No!" Buffy snapped and wailed so hard on the next punch Giles' felt his hand nearly break, despite the protection of the padding. "His name is Fetus now!"

"What are you – OW! Good Lord, Buffy!" Giles shrieked and pulled the pads away from her. Shrugging them off his wrists he tenderly felt his swelling hands that would undoubtedly be bruised over come tomorrow.

"Huh? Oh my God," Buffy whispered. "Oh my God! Giles," Buffy said again as he face became horrified at the damage she had done to him. "I'm so sorry!"

"Bloody hell," her watcher grumbled but when he saw her wide eyes and trembling lips Giles immediately pushed the throbbing pain aside and held up his hand to reassure her.

"Giles?" Buffy whispered.

"I'm – I'm," Giles coughed between the excruciating waves of agony. Still he kept up a brave face to calm his surrogate daughter. "Not to fear, Buffy. I'm quite all right."

"No you're not," Buffy cried and moved forward to cup his hands in hers. The were only beginning to swell but already his hands nearly dwarfed her own in comparison. "Giles, I'm so sorry! I never meant to hurt you like this."

"Oh I know, Dear," he smiled behind gritted teeth. "And please worries aside they will be quite fine. Just let us remember next time a tenth-strength... or maybe twentieth?"

"I think the next time after I run into Spike I'll take it out on the bag first," Buffy said resolutely, still cradling his injured hands in hers.

"A sound decision," Giles agreed. Leaving the focus pads behind his slayer gently took him back inside her house and sat him down in the kitchen. Ten minutes later and Giles was resting his aching hands on two large packs of ice. Buffy, much to Giles' own aggravation, had gone back to not only droning on about her frustrations but pacing so hurriedly he felt he might go dizzy from her antics. There were very few things in this world who could get under his slayer's skin like that vampire, and thankfully so. Truthfully, given Spike's bothersome nature, Giles found himself surprised he had lasted as long as he had.

"Okay! So maybe being alone for the entire summer sucks but come on? It isn't like I don't want them to go out and enjoy themselves! It's summer vacation and Riley hasn't seen his family in so long! Just everything is so boring and frustrating here without them and-and-and-and-"

"Monotonous?" Giles offered.

"Mono?" Buffy frowned. "The kissing disease?"

"No. Monotonous," he clarified. "Boring and staying the same."

"Oh," Buffy said and ran her hand through the back of her hair, neatly kept in a pony-tail. "Mononus."

"Monot – never mind. Well it certainly sounds as if he is becoming more of a hindrance than a benign fixture."

"I know what you're thinking," Buffy sighed and took the chair next to his. Looking at the tiled floor, downtrodden, she continued, "I can't stake him. It wouldn't be right."

"Well what did he say exactly?"

"Oh you know," Buffy rolled her eyes at the thought before speaking in her best cockney imitation. "Blah, blah ,blah. Bloody this and bloody that. Blah, blah Pet and luv and bloody this and bugger that. Blah!"

"Uh," Giles hesitated. "I was hoping for more substance?"

"He kept going on about me! Like he knows me so well! Saying that I'm bored. I don't have fun. That right now the only thing I have to look forward to is slaying."

"Well," Giles tried, picking his words carefully. "I don't see how such remarks would get to you. Well that is unless they hold some grains of truth?" When she only continued to stare at the floor with a forlorn look across her face Giles realized just how accurate Spike's estimations were. "Buffy-"

"Except he does knows me," Buffy shuddered before he could start reassuring her. "Why is it that the one guy who gets this part of me is the person I despise most?"

"Well? He is one of your most notorious foes. And I think it is fair to say no vampire knows more about slayers. To say he knows you though is quite another accusation."

"I wear this armor. I try so hard to keep people like him from seeing through me. But, Giles? He always does."

"Buffy-"

"And I'll never say this to anyone else but the other thing? About me looking forward to my patrols? Looking forward to killing? He was right about that. I try to hide it – bury it. Push my patrols off like some sort of chore. Killing vampires and demons as something I don't have a choice in. I'm in this empty space though, Giles. No one else to focus on but the kill and it's clearer than ever. And with the way this summer is going I think now more than ever I feel what it's like to be a slayer. Alone. No friends. No support. If an apocalypse happened right now I don't know what I would do."

"I do," Giles said and went to place a hand on her shoulder but when a flare of pain shot through his fingers he pulled back. As heartfelt the notion was he rethought it and returned to nursing his hand with the icepack. "You would handle it like you always do," he continued, undaunted. "You would face the evil and you would not falter. There was never a challenge you couldn't overcome. And yes while there would be some difficulties without your support netowrk it would hardly be the first time you were alone and not only survived but flourished."

"Me," Buffy said wistfully. At Giles' confused look she continued. "When Angel – when Angelus had me cornered I was alone. His sword to my throat and asked me what I had left." Giles saw what Buffy was getting at. She never told him the full details of what had occurred after his rescue at the mansion, citing it too painful to talk about. "And I did what I had to," she finished and finally looked away from the floor and turned her eyes to his waiting eyes. "Thanks, Giles. For listening to my crazy rah-rah ranting."

"Of course, Dear," Giles said. "And while it isn't often I make the rounds should you wish for some more friendly company I would be happy to provide a more welcoming companionship."

"Thanks," Buffy smiled happily and leaned over to give him a warm hug. "I needed to hear that and don't worry about Spike. I know how to handle him."

"Oh?" Giles asked, curious as to the story behind that.

"I kicked him in the balls."

"Oh," Giles frowned and closed his eyes at the thought. "Uh, how hard exactly?"

"Half-strength. He went fetal. Pretty sure he got home before sunrise."

"Yes well," Giles stuttered and wave of sympathy washed over him despite the animosity he felt towards the normally loathsome demon.

_Tenth-strength for me with the focus pads and tomorrow my hands will be black and blue. Half-strength to Spike's unprotected nether region? Dear Lord, how is he still walking?_

"Don't know don't care," Buffy shrugged and Giles realized he had said the last part out loud. "Angelus had it worst. He pissed me off and I let him have it all."

"Remind me to start wearing a cup," Giles joked. Taking a moment he compared the two and found he felt no sympathy whatsoever for Angel's alter ego. Spike however, despite the trouble he had caused them over the years the idea of a slayer-powered kick to that very sensitive area left the Englishman feeling a slight twinge of sympathy for his countryman. "And you're right," Giles determined, focusing on the welfare of his charge instead of two mass murderers. "You know how to handle him, more so than anyone I would wager. As much as he seems to know you I dare say you may know him even better."

At those words Giles watched Buffy suddenly grow pensive. After a minute of comfortable silence he was about to ask her whatever had crossed her mind but Buffy beat him to it.

"You're right," Buffy concluded. "I do know him. I can't kill him and clearly violence isn't having enough effects. Not as much as I would like."

"Buffy?"

"Giles," Buffy said slowly as a most wicked smile fell its way onto her. "You still selling that polaroid?"

* * *

"Finally," Spike grumbled when Buffy closed her front door and skipped down the stairs with an eager grin on her face. A frown sprouted onto Spike's face when to his surprise he saw her pull out an iPod and select some playlist to listen along to.

_Score one for you, Slayer._

He was far enough back and just on the peripheral of her senses so that she wouldn't feel his presence. Despite his distance he could still pick out the seemingly bubbly-Buffy as she fixed one of the two ear buds into her right ear. Leaving her left ear open so as to hear any demon's approach she continued to skip out of her front yard and down the sidewalk towards the nearest cemetery. After all this time spent with her Spike knew the exact route she would take that night and also knew he would have roughly two hours to get in, do his business, and get out before she returned. As for the slayer's mum? Tonight Joyce was in LA so he would have the Summers household all to himself.

Still she seemed awfully sunshine about something. Maybe it was because she found something to keep her mind busy while slaying. Finally caving in to at least have some audible entertainment on the slower summer nights. Spike approved and made a note to ridicule the slayer about her selection of tunes next time he interrupted her patrol. The coast clear Spike hefted his bag of laundry over his shoulder and quickly made his way to the house, wincing as he did so. It had been five days since his run in with her that had left him limping back to his crypt. As much as he complained about her punches to the nose they were nothing in comparison to that below the belt shot she took. They were mortal enemies. They were supposed to show each other at least a modicum of respect. He wasn't about to stroll up to her and give her a titty-twister!

_Although seeing the expression on her face might be worth a gamble with my unlife._

Climbing up the steps to her porch Spike made a second mental note to remind her of who he was and why she should him the respect he deserves. He wouldn't be toothless forever. Feeling the doorknob Spike wasn't surprised to find it locked, not that it mattered. Months ago he borrowed (without asking) her spare key and made himself a copy before stealthily returning it. Since then he had been sneaking in every few weeks to do his laundry and any other necessities when the two were out. Until he finished renovating his crypt and finding himself a reliable water source Spike was breaking into Buffy's house whenever chance allowed.

The lights were off but that hardly mattered to the vampire and shifted into game-face to keep his night vision sharp. Wasting no time Spike found his way to basement door and descended the stairs. Finding the washing machine empty he loaded his black on black shirts and jeans as well as his black and red button downs before adding in the detergent and closing the machine's lid. Dropping the empty clothing sack behind Spike left the basement and headed to the kitchen sink, a box of blonde hair dye in his hand.

Two hours or so. More than enough time to get in and out. He grinned devilishly at the expression Buffy would have on her face if only she knew that her arch-foe had been breaking into her home on a monthly basis to take care of his clothes and grooming. He ever so subtly alluded to it the other night but that was more a parting shot to see what kind of reaction the idea would draw from her. With evil glee Spike was not disappointed. He knew she would never agree to such a proposal. After witnessing the look on her face and knowing he had been doing it despite that? It only made the evil that much more appetizing.

Washing his hair in the sink Spike then began to work the home brewed Sweet'N Low dye mixture into his hair but hissed when it stung his scalp. It wasn't that it hurt so much as was unexpected. He always added the artificial sweetener to tone down skin irritation. He made a third mental note to add more sweetener to the mix next time.

Spike didn't have a mirror but after decades of practice he was well versed in the process. So preoccupied with his work didn't feel the other presence creeping outside in the yard before climbing up into a certain tree and ducking into Buffy's open bedroom window. The dye set Spike rinsed his hands and tucked his hair under a shower cap. Shifting his face to its normal human guise Spike lazily stretched out his muscular shoulders and arms as he made his way into the living room and turned on the TV. Clad in only a pair of black jeans Spike leisurely laid his legs and feet out onto the coffee table and switched the channel to some standup comedy act. Thinking himself completely alone Spike became so absorbed in the program he never noticed the dark shadow slip down the stairs and edged near the room's light switch.

It wasn't until a bright flash bulb exploded did he realize the error of his ways.

"WHAT THE HELL!"

At that moment Buffy flipped on the light switch and Spike was greeted to the sight of a happily grinning vampire slayer. He expected shouting. He expected enhanced interrogation threats with pointy wood. He expected multiple punches to the nose and a fever pitch out her door. Or worst! Another kick to the pisser.

_Got to start wearin' a bloody cup!_

However Buffy's expression of not only mirth but actual evil glimmering was more chilling than any attack she could launch against him. It set him very much on edge. He didn't like the look of this at all.

"Aw," Buffy whined and studied the polaroid picture that popped out of the camera. "Stupid dark. Didn't come out that well."

"Buffy?" Spike gawked, truly speechless.

"Oh look," she said and then snapped off another picture of the coveted shirtless Spike. A shirtless but also astonished and speechless Spike wearing only jeans and a shower cap. Retrieving the next picture she studied it and smiled happily. "Much better..."

"You – you – you!"

"What?" Buffy said ever so sweetly with her lips pronounced into a wicked grin. "You really think I would forget that throw away line about washing your clothes in my basement? You think I wouldn't figure out that you would sneak in on the one night both me and my mom were out?"

"You knew!" Spike shrieked. "All this time?"

"Of course I – wait all this time?" Buffy frowned and then it was her turn to look surprised, albeit briefly. "You've done this before?"

"How'd you sneak in?" Spike demanded, choosing to ignore what now both knew to be a self-explaining question.

"Hello?" Buffy rolled her eyes. "Years of sneaking in and out to dust vamps with an unknowing mom in the house. Believe me when I say I know all the ins and outs of sneaking into my own house, Spike."

"You... you let me sneak in?" Spike said as the truth was finally beginning to hit home.

"Again with the duh," Buffy smirked. "I figured everything out days ago, bleach-boy."

"Days ago?"

"Yup," Buffy grinned. "Lots of time to make my own evil plans and prepare."

"Prepare?"

"Do you really think I would stop at taking pictures?"

"Mother fu-"

"Bleach," Buffy winked as her smirk grew even larger. "Bleach-boy."

"You wouldn't!"

Buffy's clicking the camera of another picture was all the answer he needed.

"I think I'll call this one: 'You can't handle the truth!'"

"No-No-No-No!" Spike cried before leaping from the couch and racing to the basement with the sound of Buffy's own evil laugh echoing after him. Later on he would come to realize that her laugh was as evil as any other villain he had met. Most likely from all the times of listening to her enemies' evil plans. Coming to a halt before the washer Spike closed his eyes and took a deep breath to gather his nerves. Bracing himself he opened the washer and waited until the machine cut off. His eyes peeking open to to see his worst fears realized.

"Yeah," Buffy drawled playfully behind him. "Switched out the detergent with bleach."

Lifting up his favorite button down red shirt Spike found that it now resembled a flamboyant pink monstrosity. Tightly clutching its lapels he turned around and Buffy bared witness a face paler than ever before, which only meant one thing. Another picture was taken to the sound of Buffy's maniacal heckles of evil. Throwing the ruined shirt to the basement floor Spike returned his attention to the washing machine and one by one he inspected every shirt and pair of pants, counting his losses. The damage was total with every one showing devastating collateral damage from the slayer's diabolical prank. His entire wardrobe. Every article clothing Spike examined a click of her camera accompanied by a very mocking laugh.

"You..." Spike realized, his face a sheet of white. His body trembling in horror that Buffy had managed to pull something so grand over on him. "You?"

"You're not the only one who knows his enemies," Buffy chided. "Hmm... maybe this one can be called 'Big Bad 'Fraidy Cat?'"

"I'm gonna – I'm gonna!" Spike snarled and started to close in on her, fists clenched. Readying herself Buffy prepared to bolt. Even with the chip in his state of mind she wouldn't put anything past the vampire, a master vampire at that. He did descend from the master's line after all. Still she did have one more card to play before the real fireworks began.

"Like I said, Spike," Buffy taunted. "I had days to prepare. Days to sneak into your crypt. Days to find that lovely box of hair dye you keep hidden away."

_It did burn somethin' fierce, mate. But the Slayer? Miss Self-Righteous? She wouldn't!_

"You wouldn't," Spike's face fell and turned a ghastly shade of white more so than the one mere seconds ago. More so than Buffy had ever seen ever on a vampire. She didn't think they could get that pale. It was a picture to remember.

"Oh, Spikey," Buffy smiled and gently patted the hollow of his cheek with her palm. "After all our time together? Believe me when I say that you have provided me with plenty of motive."

Horrified wasn't a strong enough word. Spike didn't know if there would ever be a strong enough word as he backpedaled several steps and ripped the shower cap off his head and tugged a small tuft of his hair into his palm. Squeezing a pinch of the dye into his hand Spike's eyes bulged at the hot pink color leftover.

Another flashbulb exploded. Actually five exploded as Buffy mercilessly captured the results of her handiwork. Fingering one of the pictures she threw it like she would a dicus to Spike's feet. Leaning down Spike picked it up and after the moments of shock wore off he went from trembling in horror to trembling in a murderous rage. The slayer had bent his last straw and he was going mental.

"Hot pink?" he snarled at the sight of every stray of hair dyed in what he considered to be chip-pain justified color. A color he would kill her over. "Hot pink?"

"I think it's an improvement," Buffy replied as she stared at one of the other pictures she had taken of his hair in that state. "Yup! So an improvement. Besides how long have you been bleaching? The industrial revolution? Only Billy Idol wasn't around back then..."

"You're dead, Slayer."

"Actually," Buffy giggled and began to make her way up the stairs and away from what was now a very traumatized but still pissed off vampire. "Technically you're the dead one."

"Break your bones," Spike began and dropped the picture to the ground. His eyes laser-locked onto the woman before him the vampire stalked forward as Buffy carefully backed further up and further up the staircase. "Break your bones... Tear out your intestines... Choke you with 'em... Choke you to an inch of your life... And THEN I'll break out the railroad spikes!"

"Have to catch me first... Willy," Buffy added, completely unaware as to the impact that name would have on the crazed vampire.

Spike's arms began to wave uncontrollably in all directions. His face a visage of snarling and grotesque expressions promising her bloody vengeance. Frothing at the lips he looked as if he were having a seizure as the fingers on his hands flexed and stretched. If Spike had claws Buffy was sure they would be elongated and reaching out to tear her apart. However the fangs glaring from his mouth when Spike morphed into his demon were more than enough. She had never seen Spike more furious. Never more vicious. The transformation from terror to rage looked more like when Oz would transform into his bestial nature. Transforming into a werewolf. In this moment Spike was more than murderous. He was insane. Clawing at his chest Buffy knew if he was wearing a shirt he'd be tearing it off. That thought seemed to occur to him also because when he looked back at his pile of trashed clothes that uncontrollable rage vanished to be replaced by a look she hadn't seen in Spike's eyes in a long time. The look of a cold blooded killer committed to destroying everything about her.

"Run."

Buffy had come prepared with not only a camera but a pair of stakes, a bottle of holy water, and a cross around her neck. On top of all that Spike was of course chipped and anything he tried would fry his brain. At the moment though none of that seemed to matter as Buffy began to run as hard and fast that her legs could pump out. Racing through the house she made it out the front door with Spike hot on her heels. She slammed the front door shut, believing that would gain her at least a few other extra precious moments as he dealt with the obstacle. The sound of glass breaking behind her told otherwise as Spike barreled through the living room picture window and landed on his feet without missing a step. She made a note to make him pay for cost of the broken window repairs.

"GET BACK HERE!"

Buffy's feet dashed across the pavement, trying to put as much distance between her and the homicidal demon as possible. It wasn't so much she was scared to face him. Truthfully she was fully confident that she could take him on in such a manic state. The insane rage would leave him wide open against a calmer and collected fighter. That didn't mean he wouldn't rip her own clothes off in the process or break her bones or something equally injuring. She had never before seen him so pissed and could only hope that running in circles around the whole of Sunnydale would eventually wear him down. But betting on hope alone wasn't that reassuring given who she was facing. Buffy knew going in that he would be pissed but she never thought this would drive him over the edge, thus an exit strategy was something she had unfortunately overlooked.

Street after street the uncanny pair sprinted past. Buffy was holding her own but she couldn't outrun him forever. That was one of many things that sucked about being human. She needed to breathe. Vampires didn't. That didn't mean she wasn't resourceful or wasn't without options herself. She just needed to act before he got a hold on her. Changing direction she ran down a different street that led them into another residential area. Up ahead she saw the place she was looking for and burned her last remaining drops of adrenaline into that final bend.

Relieved to see that both cars were out and the house darkened Buffy reached the front door, broke the lock, and rushed inside to the safety Willow's parents' house. Collapsing just inside the threshold Buffy was on hands and knees gasping for breath. It wasn't so much she couldn't run that far. As far as she knew she could run a marathon at a respectable pace. However when it came to running at an all out sprint over five miles? Even slayers had their limits.

"GET OUT HERE!" Spike yelled angrily. Looking over her shoulder Buffy grinned pleasurably looking on as Spike unsuccessfully charge into the wide open doorway repeatedly only to be repelled backwards each time due to the no-invite rule. "I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

Buffy's only response was to take out the polaroid and snap another picture. She would scan the photos later and upload them to the internet. She had an inkling Willow and Tara would enjoy it at least half as much she was right now. The sight of Spike throwing himself again and again at the invisible barrier only made her laugh harder. Still his growls and snarls were wearing on her. Leaning back on the floor of the foyer her elbows planted firmly she looked at him as innocently as Buffy knew how, which only enraged him further. When she took out her iPod and placed both buds in her ears, drowning his shouts out entirely, a moment passed were she asked herself if vampires could actually spontaneously combust. Oddly enough the idea of Spike dusting didn't thrill her as much as before. As the vampire finally began to wear himself out Buffy realized something.

She was crying. Crying and bawling with laughter. She hadn't been this happy all summer.

* * *

A few days later and Buffy sat alone in her bedroom painting her nails. She had been at it for some time now and after brushing away the last dab she looked down at her work. The results left her smiling. Letting her thoughts roam free they wandered and wandered until eventually focusing on Spike and "that night" as she had come to refer to it as. She imagined that Spike most likely had a different name for it. Her mother also for that matter. Her mom wasn't pleased when she came home to find the living room window shattered and its frame broken in pieces. Buffy didn't even know where to begin but was granted a short reprieve when her mother told her that it was late and they would discuss the matter in the morning.

Between the threat of motherly retribution and the hilarity of pink-haired spike repeatedly throwing himself against an invisible barrier Buffy didn't get much sleep. It was late morning by the time she did manage to rouse herself and after climbing out of bed she looked to her window and noticed a green duffel bag hanging on the tree limb outside. Confused at first she opened her window and carefully looked it over. Granted she was still only just waking but given the bag's wear and tear and the location left in she was fairly certain about who left it there for her to find. Only question was what for?

Reaching she grabbed hold and carried it in. Setting it down on her bedroom floor she was a little wary but then recalled Spike's words to her nearly a week ago. Whatever happened between them he wanted it to be special. Their supposed final duel to the death. Perhaps even honorable or whatever the delusional vampire thought would pass for that. Somehow, instinctually, Buffy knew that whatever Spike was currently planning as pay back wouldn't come so soon as the morning after much less in the duffel sitting on her bedroom floor. Tired of the anticipation and anxious to get going Buffy opened its flap and found to her surprise a wad of rolled up cash. Counting it out the sum came to just over seven hundred dollars.

The expression of jaw hitting the floor was very much applicable in that moment. Buffy figured she would have to beat it out of him or use the photos she had taken as blackmail. Not that she hadn't already deciding on sharing them. Before the day was over she would upload one of the pictures to her private facebook page. It was the final piece in her master plan to get Spike back after everything he has pulled.

The Scoobies would be let in on it in full, there was no escaping that. However it was the threat of sharing those photos with the demon underworld she had decided to bait him with. It was one things to show her friends but it was quite another to ruin Spike's reputation further. The chip was bad enough as it is. That was Buffy's plan – until she found seven hundred dollars hanging outside her window.

There was no message with the money in the duffel. Just the money and it took a while for Buffy to figure out why he had dished out that much cash so quickly. It wasn't until she saw the relieved look on her mom's face when Buffy handed her the money did she realize why. He wasn't giving the slayer the money, he was giving it to her mother. It was something that had left Buffy perplexed since then. It was also currently occupying her mind when the house phone rang and she ran to answer it.

"Hello?"

"Slayer..."

"Oh," Buffy grinned cheekily. "I was wondering when I would get this call." Buffy frowned. "Actually, no I wasn't. You're calling me on the phone?"

"Well yeah," Spike answered, his tone dropping the evil threatening thing and returning to the more familiar annoying tense. "What? Demons can't use phones?"

"I just never expected you to call me on one," Buffy replied.

"Well what did you expect? Soddin' smoke signals?"

"Ambushing me on patrol more likely," Buffy said dryly and then a sudden thought occurred as to why he wasn't making this appearance in person. "Wait... Is your hair still pink?"

"It's takin' a bit," Spike ruefully admitted. "Kind of strawberry blonde at the moment. Needs more bleach." Buffy could almost hear the clenching of Spike's jaw muscles. It only made her giggling double. "So happy you're enjoyin' yourself, Slayer."

"Well," Buffy grinned. "You can expect similar reactions from the others when they get back."

"Damn it, Slayer," Spike groaned miserably. "What the 'ell?"

"What? You really thought I wouldn't share my bounty?"

"Call it wishful thinkin' suppose."

"Yeah right," Buffy said with a roll of her eyes.

"Don't know why you're so flip, luv. You do realize this is only the beginning."

The laughter stopped.

"What are you saying, Spike?"

"You really think I'm not goin' to retaliate? Don't tell me you forget who you're dealing with?"

Buffy steeled her resolve.

"You really want to go this road?"

"Well what the hell did you expect?"

_Wishful thinking?_

"Mom's still pissed about the window," Buffy said, deciding to sidestep the question. "The money goes a long way though."

"I want the change," Spike demanded.

"Pfft," Buffy scoffed. "Consider what is left over as payment for emotional damages."

"Emotional damages? You ruined my clothes and dyed me pink you bloody bitch!"

"Fine then," Buffy grinned. "I'll hand you back whatever is leftover from the window repairs if you don't retaliate."

"Sod it," Spike grumbled. "Fine, Slayer. Just drop the backpack with change near my crypt when all is accounted."

_What?_

"Wait, are you lying?"

"Evil, pet. What the hell do you think?" Spike replied. "Oi! You owe me an entire wardrobe though."

"Please," Buffy rolled her eyes. "Black tees and black jeans? Not like I torched your leather."

"My duster is off limits!" Spike shouted loudly enough that Buffy had to pull the phone away from her ear.

"Oh so there are rules now?" Buffy said dubiously. "Okay then, my turn. No killing anyone. Oh! And no destroying my clothes. Oh! And you keep your fangs out of Mister Gordo!"

"The stupid pig?"

"He is not stupid! But not the point; we are talking bounds of reason, Spike," she settled. "Otherwise consider your invite revoked."

"Bounds of reason? You made my hair pink and made my clothes bleach!"

"Not your zippo," Buffy reminded. "Or your duster. Or your TV. Nothing that you can't replace – or steal for that matter."

"And what the 'ell is that supposed to mean?"

"Like you don't shoplift," Buffy scoffed sarcastically. "If I hand you a hundred dollars you'll just spend it on blood and whiskey."

"You suck, Slayer."

"Tell you what," Buffy decided. "I let you use my washer and dryer once a month – supervised – and we'll call it even."

"Okay. For my clothes the washer and dryer. But you better not think I'm not gunning for yah. Fair warning this war is far from over, Slayer."

"Know something, Fetus? I wouldn't have it any other way."

Before he could bite off another threat Buffy hung up. Find a chair she sat down and took a moment to roll over what he had said. What he had promised. End result was a shiver running down her spine. Threatening each other was nothing new. The amount of idle threats made to each other in passing were countless and usually served as a means on how they related to one another. This time though things would be different and despite the "rules" agreed to there was no telling how long or how far this new war would escalate. They were mortal enemies and perhaps fated to one day be the person who killed the other. Until that day though?

Maybe the heat was getting to her but despite it all Buffy still grinned.

_This summer suddenly became a lot more interesting..._

To be continued...

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or its characters, places, plots, etcetera. Nor am I making any profit off this.

AN: Well that's the first prank. As for "Fetus" that was actually a nickname a few of my friends handed **me** during a sleepover some years ago. In my defense it was cold, I was wrapped up in my swim team trench coat with the hood pulled over, and the end result was I looked like a fetus. They took a picture and even I had to laugh. It stuck and I thought it appropriate given how Buffy left Spike in the cemetery. Don't worry too much about Spike as he will get Buffy back and then some, which is so fun to write. So be kind, leave a review and hope you enjoyed the read.

- S


	2. Chapter 2

Previously: Buffy struck first by bleachig all of Spike's clothes, dying his hair pink, and managing to get it all on camera. Now she uploads it to her facebook page where both AI and the Scoobies get a chance to weigh in.

**BUFFY FACEBOOK**

Date: Today

[Picture of angry shirtless Spike in pink-dyed hair bouncing off invisible barrier]

Tags: Spike, Pink, Bleach, Prank, Buffy, Fetus, Bill Idol, Win

Summary:

_If u can't stake him?"_

_FYI: Fetus = new Spike name ;-)_

- B. Summers

Comments:

**ANGEL:**

_FIRST!_

**CORDYLUV:**

_So you're stalking her facebook now?_

**NATURAL_RED:**

_Oh wow! Buffy you broke Spike? Xander is going to luv this. Wait is that my house?_

**X-FURY:**

_LOL! Oh MAN! The G-Canyn is fun but WOW. Plzzz tell me you got vide? Srry "O" key keeps sticking_

**DINGOBABY:**

_Cool, fetus?_

**CORDYLUV:**

_Does Spike even have facebook?_

**MISTER_IOWA_BIG_LOVE_RUFFY_4EVA_AND_EVA:**

_Why is he shirtless?_

**LA_CORRECTIONAL:**

_Nice abs. You nail him yet B? + X why is your keyboard sticky?_

**RUPERT_GILES_SUNNYDALE_CALIFORNIA:**

_Did I just put out my name and address?_

**X-FURY:**

_LOL! YUP! STILL FUNNY!_

**REDHEAD_LOVER:**

_Hi peepz I don't know. Buffy that's funny! Watch out for revenge pranks. Spike can be... He's Spike._

**CHOZEN_SUX:**

_Don't worry Tara I'm all over that! Hey Cordy! Spike is living in a dump. I don't think he has the internet! And OZ!? Kicked Spike in the nuts, he went fetal =D_

**COLD_HARD_$$$:**

_Buffy! You broke Xander! Now we can't have sex on the donkey... :*-(_

**CORDYLUV:**

_About time someone hit him where it hurt! Donkey? (confused/worried)_

**DINGOBABY:**

_Cool /agree with CLuv (worried)_

**NATURAL_RED:**

_OMG OZ! How r u? And yes! Very WORRIED!_

**LA_CORRECTIONAL:**

_To each their own man. But donkey? X you've gotten freak ON_

**X-FURY:**

_NO NO NO NO! We've been touring the canyn on dnkeys. We've actually been sharing the same saddle: HINT HINT_

**LA_CORRECTIONAL:**

_Now that's HOTT_

**MISTER_IOWA_BIG_LOVE_RUFFY_4EVA_AND_EVA:**

_Still shirtless?_

**NATURAL_RED:**

_OMG X! TMI! FORGETTING SPELL – NOW!_

**X-FURY:**

_Srry! :-(_

_But yeah! STILL funny! LOLZ_

**RUPERT_GILES_SUNNYDALE_CALIFORNIA_SSN_120_95_3482:**

_Any better? Anyone? Help? (cleaning glasses)_

**CHOZEN_SUX:**

_I'll come over tomorrow Giles =) Riley? I'll call you tonight * hug *_

**ANGEL:**

_STILL FIRST!_

To be continued...

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or its characters, places, plots, etcetera. Nor am I making any profit off this.

AN: Now that was fun! Spike's revenge next chapter.

- S


	3. Chapter 3

Previously: In an attempt to teach Spike a lesson Buffy dyed his hair pink, bleached his clothes, took photos of it all and uploaded them to her private facebook page for all the Scoobies to enjoy. Not only did she hand Spike a humiliating and financially costly defeat but the threat of sharing those same photos with the demon community has left the vampire's credibility hostage. Promising revenge Spike decides it is time to strike back with extreme prejudice!

**BIG BAD STRIKES BACK**

"Puttin' on some tunes, luv," Spike spoke up suddenly and reached for his desotto's tape deck.

"Fine," Buffy sighed as their stakeout jumped into its second hour. "But nothing Britishy."

"Bloody Americans," Spike muttered and ejected his Ramones tape and nodded for Buffy to open the glove box.

"So what diamond in the dump am I looking for?" Buffy asked as she unlatched the compartment in the dashboard and began sorting through the hoarded mess inside.

"Only national treasure you yanks ever put out. My drinking mate, Johnny Cash."

"When was the last time you opened this?" Buffy grimaced and turned her nose up in disgust. Regardless she pushed forward with a furrowed brow of determination reflecting her commitment to finding the mixed tape in question – if only to close the lid back on his mobile trashcan as quickly as possible. "Smells like something died in here."

"Oh yeah," Spike smiled thoughtfully. "That'd be the dead bird Dru left behind."

Buffy's head shot around and fixed her eyes on his face, searching for any hint of deception or prank. It had been over three weeks since the incident with the hair dye and washing machine and aside from his threatening phone call Spike never made any further mention of retaliation. On the contrary Buffy found themselves falling into some form of an unspoken truce. Aside from not killing each other or destroying their homes with pranks a nearly nightly ritual of patrolling cemeteries together started up.

It wasn't anything planned or discussed between the pair. Instead it began with a chanced night in the cemetery that would afterward leave both warriors facing an entirely new and uncertain relationship.

Buffy turned her head away from him and gazed outward through her rolled down window, thinking back on that night three weeks ago that had spurred the most uncanny of partnerships.

* * *

The night after Spike's unexpected phone call Buffy cleared her first three cemeteries before running into said vampire fighting a trio of vampires on the top of a small hill in Restfield. It was nothing out of the ordinary; neither was her decision to stand back and watch Spike get thoroughly pummeled. From the bottom of the gentle slope Buffy looked on in amusement at the sight of Spike being repeatedly punched in the nose, kneed in the stomach, kicked in the knee, and everything short of an atomic wedgie.

Minutes passed and still the one sided scruff continued without Buffy even contemplating on stepping in. It wasn't that she wanted to see him get dusted or maimed. Rather she preferred that Spike get what was long overdue before he flipped the tables and finished them off. Then he would walk over to her, say some snarky comment to rile her up, and they would banter for the next couple of cemeteries. Eventually he would overstep his bounds and give her the reason she was waiting for to hit him and contribute her own handiwork to tonight's growing bruise collection.

Except that wasn't happening and an unsettling feeling began to grow inside of her. She had no idea how long Spike had been fighting before she arrived but knowing him like she did Buffy could see he was getting winded and the tide of his battle had turned. Tonight it looked like her favorite broken nose finally bit off more than he could chew. For a moment she considered just dumping him. Leave him behind to let those other vampires dust his pretty yet annoying butt. Then as they took a moment to recuperate she would make her ambush and easily stake all three.

So it was with some surprise when Buffy felt her legs churning and pushing her onward into the fight. What led her subconscious to this unexpected decision she could only guess should she be of mind to contemplate it. Given her disdain towards the peroxide-pest smart money was leaning to unlikely. Nevertheless whatever her motivations were Buffy went with it. Pushing herself over the hill's crest she grabbed the shoulders of the nearest vamp and threw him back down the same route she had taken up. It would take a minute before the vamp would make his way back to the fight and hopefully that would be enough to take the other two down. She may be inclined to help Spike but that didn't mean she wanted to make a night of it.

The disappearance of their ally left the other two vampires caught by surprise as they looked down the slope at his sprawling body and then back to the petite blonde girl that sent him there. They weren't the only ones either. As soon as Buffy had come upon him Spike had felt her presence. When she didn't immediately jump to his aid he cursed his luck but wasn't surprised. Like her he knew full well that this was how it worked between them. Upside even if he did dust at least she would be there to see that he went down swinging. These vampires weren't fledglings and they knew how to give as good as they got. One on one it wouldn't have proven too much a challenge for him. Two on one would admittedly be tough but manageable. Beyond that he was reaching.

For over thirty minutes it had been volley after volley of fists and fangs. True to his nature at first Spike had fought without abandon. However once he realized the trap he had fallen in the vampire reined in his recklessness and started fighting more conservatively. His eyes up for an opportune misstep or dropped guard Spike focused his mind and paced himself. There were a few opportunities he jumped on but never had enough time to fully convert on his chances. With no end in sight and his energy reserves fading fast Spike's thoughts shifted away from winning the struggle to instead focus on getting out of it in one piece.

Blessed with only a fool's luck the other vamps picked up on this and immediately the tempo doubled as they pushed forward in an attempt to box Spike in against a nearby mausoleum's wall. Down to has last bag of tricks Spike steeled his nerves for the coming fiery brimstone when out of nowhere one of the vamps was thrown aside to be replaced by a flurry of blonde hair and pointy sticks. Picking up on the new threat the two vampires left standing changed it up with one still exchanging blow for blow with Spike as the other pealed off to deal with Buffy. With partners switched the fight was on again in full.

At first she figured that the reason behind Spike's performance issue was another night of too much beer and whiskey. Not until the first punch snapped across her jaw did Buffy realize what they were up against. Years older, possibly decades, than most of Sunnydale's resident undead and fighting with a tenacity Buffy hadn't seen since that pitched battle against Adam it was clear these monsters were from another league. While this would give others pause to Buffy this understanding was as much refreshing as it was sobering. This was what she had been waiting for all summer and she would do her best to make it last, regardless the presence of Sunnydale's most inflated ego.

When the third vampire finally managed to rejoin his comrades Buffy felt her back press up against something big, leathery, and smelling of memories she'd love nothing more than to forget . The only thing she hated more was how he knew her inside and out. Hopefully he would overlook her excitement of finally finding herself a good slay.

"Savin' my unlife, Slayer?" Spike panted as he continued to trade blows with the vampire squared off with him. "Knew you couldn't resist this!"

_So much for him overlooking._

"Please," Buffy rolled her eyes and continued her assault against the deceptively agile but fatigued vamp before her. "Just another – oof! 'Nother day on the job. Also? The day you die I'll throw a party!"

"Yeah?" Spike asked, running his tongue over his fangs in pleasure just as an elbow collided upside his chin. "Bloody little – think those are called funerals, luv!"

"With bright red balloons and a mariachi band?"

"Aw, Goldilocks, you do care," Spike smirked. Momentarily distracted by his nemesis' banter Spike's guard slipped and his opponent got off a quick shot to Spike's groin. Learning from a school of hard knocks instead of Spike doubling over like last time, the older vampire took the kick in stride and countered with powerful uppercut to the chin knocking and collapsing his fanged-foe onto its back. With a face of bewilderment he looked at Spike in surprise. Grinning wryly Spike tapped the cup beneath his jeans knowingly and nodded to Buffy behind him. "She kicks a lot harder, mate."

"Spike!" Buffy snapped, reminding him that they still very much had a fight on their hands.

"Shut up, Slayer," he grunted and with a quick flick of his wrist a stake flew out from his duster's sleeve and neatly into his hand. Seeing the danger Spike's vamp carefully got to its feet and refocused its eyes on that deadly shiv of oak in Spike's hand.

Facing off against the two other vampires Buffy was having a much easier fight than Spike. Having already been occupied with Spike for over half an hour it didn't matter how much skill her opponents had. Against a fresh fighter of Buffy's caliber there was no hope and they knew it. Brandishing her own stake Buffy pounced to get her first kill of the night when selfishly the vampire to her right pushed the other one flying into her, knocking her off balance. With her grip loosened the pushee vampire slapped the stake aside leaving Buffy weaponless and wide open. Needing a moment to regroup both vampires saw their chance and made a desperate charge that tackled her to the ground.

Surprised by the latest setback Buffy went from thrilled to pissed and decided it was only fair to share her irritation. Before either could lean in for the kill she took one neck in each hand and slayer-strength slammed their heads together. Backpedaling and grabbing their heads in pain Buffy took the moment to scramble to her feet and search for her missing stake. Coming up empty she only had precious seconds before they were on her again. Focusing on Spike he lifted his stake high, poised to finish his own opponent off. Without a second thought she elbowed him in the ribs and caught his stake as it fell.

"Crazy bitch," Spike spat and whipped around to knock her over the head. While his overhead strike did connect it didn't come without a nasty reminder of the chip in his head. "OW!"

"Dumbass," Buffy managed to spit out as she also winced from his hit to the back of her head. Then she winced more as her two vamps tackled her before knocking the other stake away. "Crap," she muttered and brought her forearms up to hold the two vampires at bay. "Little help?"

"Oof!" Spike yelped as his vampire delivered a hard kick that rolled him heel over head backwards and right into the two vamps pinning Buffy down. The pressure off her chest Buffy turned her head just in time to see Spike and her two former dance partners roll off the hill.

"That'll work," Buffy grinned and jumped to her feet with her guard at the ready. Stakeless but facing only one vampire now, Spike's opponent from moment ago, she smiled devilishly and went to work.

"I'm gonna kill you!" Spike hollered back at her from the bottom of the hill. Two against one Spike was in trouble and his enemies knew it. Spying a convenient tombstone he reared his boot back and gave it a sharp kick – only to cry out in pain and hop around on hos other foot. The other two vamps didn't know what craziness had possessed him to try and break his foot but decided to make the most of it and closed in. Gritting his teeth Spike stood his ground and aimed at the tombstone again. Lashing out with another powerful kick this time it had the desired effect and broke down the granite slab into several sizable pieces. Picking up a rock in each hand Spike sneered at the two vamps and began punching one right after the other with the hardened rocks in his hands. The sound of breaking cheekbones and cracking ribs brought a satisfied smile to Spike's bloodied lips.

Systematically Buffy was taking her vampire apart piece by piece. He was still putting up some fight but his fate was sealed, or would be as soon as Buffy found something to stake him with. Deciding she would have more luck finding something pointy down the hill she set him up with a quick one-two combination that left him staggering. A followup uppercut lifted the vampire off his feet and sent him careening at breakneck speed down the hill.

"Incoming!" she shouted to Spike and moved to follow when out of the corner of her eye there was a welcoming sight – her stake from earlier.

_Well it's about time!_

Snatching it up she shoved it in the waistband of her pants and rushed down the hill, eventually falling into a straight-leg slide eager to rejoin the fight.

"Oi!" Spike yelled when he saw her coming down. His tombstone-brass-knuckle variant was paying off and already had one of the vamps he had been squaring off against out cold. "You find my stake yet?"

"If you mean MY stake then yes!" Buffy shot back as she somersaulted to her feet once on leveled ground. With two out of the three vamps down and out she leisurely walked to each fallen enemy. Kneeling down beside the nearest one she drove the stake home. Moments later and her stake slammed into the other vampire's heart. Dusting off her pants she slowly pulled herself up only to, like before, not make any effort to help Spike.

"Give me the damn wood already!" Spike demanded. He might have had the other vamp on the ropes but by now Spike was just as ready to keel over from his own exhaustion. Folding her arms across her chest Buffy's sole reaction was a broad smirk causing Spike to roll his eyes at her selective brand of helpfulness. Dropped his tombstone-knuckles Spike took hold and shoved the last remaining vampire. Stumbling back a full dozen feet back his push lined the last vampire up perfectly with Buffy's stake. With all three finally dusted Spike collapsed to his knees, bloodied and exhausted.

"You welcome by the way," Buffy said, smiling sweetly at his current state of being. Hair tussled, face bruised and swollen with more bruises likely numbering in the twenty plus category Spike was very much out of sorts for what had been an hour long battle. Of course his unlikely savior didn't get off so well either. While no where near as torn up Buffy was sporting some cuts and bruises as well. "Whose tombstone was that?"

"Uh," Spike looked about at the crumbled granite and managed to find one slab still whole. A slab that also had the helpful grave site owner's name etched into it. "Huh... A bloke named Jesse Bor – something. Last name was broken off." Dropping the tombstone remains Spike pulled up his duster's sleeve, revealing a busted quick-draw holster that had ejected its stake into his hand. "Bullocks," he muttered.

"Huh," Buffy remarked. "Where did you pick that up?"

"Pilfered it from the Initiative's armory before we tottled off topside," Spike answered. "Didn't bother trying it out until tonight."

"Of course," Buffy replied and studied her nemesis from head to toe. "Ever the opportunist."

"Well of course, luv," Spike chuckled and unstrapped it from his forearm. Stuffing it inside his inside duster pocket he resolved to tinker with it later on. Recalling the fight he gave shot Buffy an angry scowl. "What the 'ell was that anyway?"

Buffy grinned wickedly knowing full well he was referring to when she grabbed his stake.

"Well... Well what you just said! Seizing an opportunity, moron."

"Fair 'enuf," Spike shrugged and a few seconds later burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter.

"Hey! Houston calling Spikey, you do realize if I hadn't wandered in you'd be dust?" Buffy stated, raising a brow expectantly. Spike paused in his giggles to meet her semi-incredulous gaze. He considered her words, shrugged, and fell into another bout of reckless laughter.

Then it happened.

Maybe it was the effective high off of the fight or the fact that when they fought side by side neither could help taking a shot at the other but Spike's giggles became infectious and soon Buffy was laughing right alongside him.

"Bloody hell," Spike said once his laughter finally subsided. Using the palms of his hands he pushed himself off the ground and shook his head at the sudden rush of inertia. Regaining control he shot her a dirty look and gave her the two-fingered salute. Buffy responded in kind and flashed him the finger before both turned to go their separate ways.

"I still hate you!" Buffy called back before they were out of earshot.

"Unlikely" Spike called back. "No chance you hate me as much as I hate you!"

"Really?" Buffy yelled and turned around to see his billowing black duster fading away. "Well bring it on, Fetus! Summer is far from over!"

* * *

The telltale sound of Spike lighting up brought Buffy's thoughts back to the present. Frowning in disgust she waved her hand to clear the secondhand smoke that was wafting up from the lit cigarette dangling between his lips.

"At least roll down your window," Buffy insisted as she resumed her search through Spike's glove box for his Johnny Cash tape. "Some of us do have lungs to worry about."

"Hm," Spike grunted nonchalantly but did roll down the window as she requested. Taking a deep drag he blew smoke rings out of his mouth and into the cool desert night. With both windows open a gusty chill blew over her but despite the day's temperature Buffy came prepared with a warm fall jacket. "Does make you wonder," he continued. "This chip keeps me from hurting anythin' living right? Interestin' that doesn't extend to me smokin' my fag and polluting your bodily airbags."

"Everything has its limits," Buffy shrugged and at last found the supposed "national treasure" Spike asked her to find. Shoving it into the empty tape deck it started up automatically and to her surprise she didn't find the music all that bad, not that she would tell him that.

"Well, pet?" Spike said, waiting for her critique.

"Still sucks," she huffed.

"It's vintage, Slayer," he chuckled as the words of Cash's hit _Hurt_ filled the car. "Give it time and you'll turn into a believer. Certainly better than that pop shite you rhyme to on patrol."

"Up yours, Spike."

"Bitch," Spike retorted. "How reliable is this intel anyway?

"I leaned on Willy pretty hard," Buffy informed as they continued with the stakeout. Parked behind a cluster of dead trees and baked rocks they keep watch over an abandoned farm house down the rural desert road. Over and hour from Sunnydale and miles away from the highway they had been waiting for over two hours already. "What about you?"

"Poker the other night hinted at something," Spike offered and shrugged. "Summer on the hellmouth. Slummin' to the of outsourcing just to stir up a good brawl."

"Whatever," Buffy sighed. "I would like to get back soon though."

"And why's that?"

"Rented SixthSense a couple nights ago. I haven't watched it yet and it's due back tomorrow. Xander says it's some kind of exciting plot twister," Buffy explained and then looked at her partner in violence. "Have you seen it?"

"As a rule if Harris says something is 'exciting' I yawn and clock out."

"Oh of course," Buffy rolled her eyes at unsurprising Spike's attitude of her close friend.

"What? Roomed with the pratt didn't I?" Spike reminded her.

"Whatever – oh her! This one sounds catchy," Buffy commented when the Cash song ended and the next began.

"Yeah," Spike nodded as his head bobbed along to the tune. "Hendrix fan then. All along the bleedin' watch tower."

"Catchy, I said. Doesn't mean it isn't old."

"Vintage," Spike repeated and gave her words some thought. "You like beer?

"What?" Buffy said, confused at the turn of conversation. "What does that-?"

"I mean when you first started drinkin'," Spike clarified.

"Alcohol and Buffy are non-mixy."

"Oh really? Funny cause I've seen you mix it up more than one."

"I don't get drunk though. Unlike some blonde pains in the ass," she snorted.

"Takes one to know one my fellow arse-pain," Spike fired back. "My point was for some it's an acquired taste."

Buffy knew that Spike had made a fair point but refused to say anything further on the subject. Even still she did find her foot tapping along to the beat of this Hendrix person Spike had complimented. Time continued to pass and as song after song played still there was no sign of their quarry.

"Should just come back tomorrow," Buffy as the waiting finally got the better of her. "The nest will be asleep by then. All we would have to do is sneak in and do them in their sleep."

"Splendid thought. You and the big pile of dust sittin' next to you," Spike said, rolling his eyes at the idea of him driving to the middle of a desert with no cover.

"Daylight hasn't stopped you before."

"But never without an emergency manhole in sight," Spike replied. " Unlike some foreheads I might mention I'm not brooding to the point of offin' myself."

"Excuse me?" Buffy snarled.

"Talkin' about your ex," Spike said, speaking very slowly for her benefit. "Senor broods with gel."

"No, I mean how did you know about that?"

"Huh? What are you on about?"

"So you didn't know," Buffy realized.

"You tellin' me the grand poof actually tried to go poof?" Spike snickered. "And I missed it? Well miracles can happen. First time in an age that tosser did something intelligent."

Buffy decided to let a stiff punch to Spike's well defined jaw to sum up her feelings regarding that particular sentiment.

"He was being controlled," she seethed, face reddening with fury at Spike's insolence to her lost love.

"Oh really?"Spike scoffed and tenderly massaged the impression her fist had left on his face. "Then why is it I think you're not tellin' the whole story. You forgetting that I've known that cold blooded bastard longer than you've been alive, Slayer? Soul or unsouled once that piece of shit has his mind set on something only way to stop him is snuff him out."

"I've sent him to hell," Buffy said, her tone darkly as her eyes narrowed at him sharply. "And truce or no truce I promise to do the same to you if you don't drop this right now."

"This truce ends as soon as my chip is out," Spike said, his tone of voice also promising retribution. "Preach and threaten all you want, Buffy. No matter what occurs before our dance ends in either my dust or your cold dead body."

"Looking forward to it, William," Buffy glared.

Two stubborn soldiers born on opposite sides of the coin found themselves locked in a fierce stare off with neither willing to give an inch. The catalyst for what brought them to this junction could be blamed on the person she loved and that he would forever loathe but deep down they knew he had nothing to do with it. Their story was one of unadulterated hatred but also a buried denial of something else that neither would dare to put a label on. They wanted it. They wanted to end this dance and battle it out there and now under that clear desert sky to a song only they could hear.

"_I'd rather be fightin' you anyway."_

"_Mutual."_

It was only the flicker of approaching headlights and the sound of tires coming to a stop that reminded Buffy and Spike that once again their dance would have to be postponed. Breaking their stare they turned their heads to see not one car but three circle around Spike's desotto and cut off any chance of escape. The tape ended and the music stopped.

"Rain check?"

"You know it, how many?"

"Dozen vamps and three humans," Spike answered as the car doors opened and their lights turned off. Glowing amber eyes shined through the darkness confirming for Buffy the nature of her enemy. The nature of _their_ enemy. The odds were stacked but in that moment she didn't care how bad it was. Filled with unspent anger she needed this.

"Looks like our intelligence was off," Buffy whispered. "Only three cars. Missing one."

"Yeah," Spike smiled and flicked his cigarette out his window and reached into the backseat for the weapons they had packed. "We should inquire about that. Show 'em that we care about their friends. 'Tis the neighborly thing to do."

"Slayer!" a loud voice boomed out and one pair of the amber eyes moved forward. "Come out! We know you're in there. Can feel it!"

"Showtime, Goldilocks."

Spike casually lit another cigarette and then stepped out into the cool desert night with Buffy following after from her side of the car. Immediately Spike shifted into game face to better see while Buffy peered out into the darkness. She would have to rely on starlight which thankfully there was enough of that she could put up some sort of a fight. Nevertheless she was at a disadvantage, not that they didn't account for this going in. She would just have to hope that her gamble paid off. In the meantime her slayer sense was flying off the scale as she felt the presence of vampires in all directions. Sparing a glance at Spike who was now leaning against the car's hood, looking not the least bit bothered, and just puffing away on his cigarette. Buffy found it oddly comforting that even with all of these other vampire signatures she knew him well enough to detect him anywhere.

"We don't want you," the leader said with a disparaging look to Spike. "Take off now and leave the slayer behind. One time offer."

"Interestin' proposal," Spike mused and pretended as if he was seriously giving it some thought. Buffy couldn't help it, she smiled. The fact they were at each others throats only minutes ago had her opening the 'forget-about-it-for-now' deposit box and locking it inside.

"Really?" the group's leader snorted. "This should be good."

"You make like the dust you'll soon be and breeze away. Leave the entrees and take off. You don't come back anywhere near the hellmouth and maybe I can convince my girl here to let things slide."

"You really think you can take us on?" he sneered as the twelve vampires, surrounding them from every direction, began to close in side by side.

"No," Buffy interjected and didn't miss the irony behind that particular phrase. The last time it was directed towards her she and Spike defied the odds and came out on top. Since then they had only grown stronger. "We were expecting more."

"They ran into some trouble in LA," the head vamp revealed bitterly. "Don't worry though. We'll being take care of those hunters soon enough. Not that you'll be alive to warn them."

"Warn them?" Spike chuckled and shared a look with Buffy who finished off his taunt.

"Warn them from what?"

Spike took one last drag and tossed his burning cigarette into the pool of gasoline next to his feet. Immediately the pool ignited and a thing river of fire blazed out from the pool and spread down a trail of gasoline that ran its course straight into the ring of advancing vampires. Realizing the trap the leader turned to warn the others but it was too late, the fire reached the oiled hay spread out in all directions and erupted into a bright fiery inferno.

Their ranks fell apart as several were caught in the initial blast while others ended leaped out of the way and landing on either side of the trap Buffy and Spike had baited them into. They began the encounter with twelve and now there were eight. Disarrayed with survivors caught inside the ring and out before the vampires could even begin to counterattack a sword decapitated one and a crossbow bolt pierced another.

As Spike reloaded his crossbow, hanging well back from the dangerous flames, Buffy pressed on with her assault facing off against the two remaining vamps on their side of the burning ring. With six down and six left Spike jumped to the roof of his car and took aim at the four vampires on the outside who were stuck trying to cross the line of fire only to be pushed back by the intense heat and deadly fire.

A second crossbow bolt took one out and his third dusted another as Spike alternated between both his and Buffy's crossbows they had brought for the deadly ambush. Realizing the desperation of the situation the two remaining vampires on the outside made a dash to the nearest car only to cry out in pain as Spike lobbed three large bottles of holy water in their direction that broke open on all sides. As they boiled in pain Spike reloaded both crossbows and, holding them akimbo, pulled both triggers simultaneously. All vampires on the outside dusted he turned his attention to Buffy he saw she had decapitated her second vampire and now was facing off with the last remaining – the overly confident leader.

Sword drawn Buffy advanced, pushing him back towards the wall of fire behind and leaving with no where to run. Nowhere to escape. The sound of Spike's cruel mocking laughs reached the leader's ears but he didn't pay the other vampire any mind. With flames licking at him from every direction the dark outline of Buffy and her dusted blade was all he could see. He drew back his fangs and changed back into his human guise, hoping that that might have a greater effect.

His long pleading speech to her fell on deaf ears yet Buffy lower her sword all the same, much to Spike's surprise. The look of relief was evident on the leader's face and babbled away his thanks. Buffy, a disarming smile on her face, held up her hand to stop his rambling.

"You should have taken Spike's offer," she whispered, betraying her true intentions. "I have enough dead friends."

Buffy's foot shot forward into a powerful thrust kick that connected solidly with the vampire's chest. Falling backwards into the wall of fire his dying screams filled the night sky and in moments another demon was turned to ash and sent straight to hell.

Buffy turned back to Spike and smiled.

"Fire pretty."

* * *

"Uh listen, Slayer," Spike began after he placed his borrowed crossbow into Buffy's weapon chest.

Buffy turned her head and looked at Spike expectantly. Between extinguishing the fire and driving the three humans to the hospital it had been two hours since their midnight barbecue in the desert and only now were they wrapping it all up. Until then Spike had remained curiously silent and Buffy was fairly certain as to why. Exhilarating as the night's battle had been what happened between them in the car was much more memorable.

"It's late," Buffy said, not wanting to get into another argument.

"No I know," he said and rubbed the back of his head.

"Spike; it's late," she repeated. "I'm tired, and we smell like chimneys. So whatever it is?"

"Back before when I-? Look I'm not going to say sorry because we both know that's not true and I'm not goin' to try and sugarcoat anything because we both know how this is all going to end."

"Spike-"

"I-I-I'm wearing a bloody cup!" Spike stammered out and at Buffy's incredulous look he brushed his hand through his curls and tried again. "I'm wearing a cup because that shot below the belt? It really sucked and I know that you and I are better than that."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm saying that I respect you."

"Oh."

"Yeah," Spike replied, clearly uncomfortable.

"Thanks?" Buffy said, uncertain as to what he was getting at.

"And tonight you were really..."

"Scary?" Buffy tried.

"No, not that!" Spike sputtered. "Big Bad and all," he gestured. "We don't get scared."

"Of course," Buffy said doubtfully and raised an eyebrow to further emphasis her skepticism.

"I just... Bloody 'ell! I respect you, 'aight?"

"Okay," she replied slowly. "That's good to know, I think."

"Right," Spike nodded and puffed up his chest in an attempt to brush off his strained confession. Knowing any other time she would send him packing Buffy folded her arms and tapped her foot patiently to hear him out on anything else he needed to say. Spike looked like he was trying to say something else but held his hands up in exasperation, gave her a small wave, and strutted back out the front door and into the night. Following after him Buffy looked on from her door until he got back into his car and drove off.

"That vampire," she muttered and closed the front door. As if the night hadn't been thrilling enough he had to top it all off whatever that thing was. Her throat dry from the night's activities Buffy went through the living room on her way to get a glass of water from the kitchen. Passing by the movie that was due back tomorrow and unwatched she sighed knowing now that she would just have to rent it again another time.

_And as much as I hate to admit it Spike does have a point. Xander has a tendency to over embellish on some movies. Not that I mind or anything. It's actually kind of cute and wait what?_

Buffy's eyes shot back at the video lying innocently at the center of her coffee table.

_He wouldn't! _

"_I just... Bloody 'ell! I respect you, 'aight?"_

_He would!_

"Well not this time my platinum haired fetus," Buffy smirked and with her own little strut made her way back into the living room. Staring down at the video tape she picked it up and studied it for a moment. She looked at the VHS tape inside and out to make sure that it wasn't booby-trapped in some way. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary on the outside, which only meant that whatever Spike had done must have been to the tape itself.

_He is so buying the rental store another copy of this!_

Popping the tape into her VCR Buffy stood back and confidently pressed play on the remote. Fast forwarding through the previews she realized that whatever Spike had planned would happen later on in the tape. Still she couldn't return the movie to the rental store without knowing exactly what.

_I'm so kicking your ass next time I see you._

The previews ended and the introduction credits were starting up when all of a sudden the tape cut out and the smirking grin of Spike's face popped up onto the screen.

_Knew it!_

"Hey there, Slayer," Spike's cocky cockney accent broke through as the screen was shaky in his low budget free hand video recording. "Saw that you picked up Sixth Sense and I gotta tell yah, luv. You have good taste."

_Yup. Knew it._

"A lovely plot. Lots of brilliant twists and turns especially with Bruce Willis. His main character? He just so happens to be-"

"Better luck next time," Buffy laughed and fast forwarded it past Spike's obvious attempt to spoil the movie for her. After a few seconds of fast forwarding Buffy deemed it likely that his futile attempts at ruining the movie for her had passed and hit play to hear the rest of his message.

"But I don't want to go on and on!"

_Well that's a first._

"The movie is still not half bad and even with that spoiler you should check it out. Enjoy, Slayer. See you in the graveyard."

_Thank you, Spike. I think I'll do that._

Tired as she was now there was no way Buffy would let the chance of upping him slip by. She had caught on early enough to thwart his revenge prank and now could watch the movie as it should be. Knowing next time she ran into him that she was going to rub it all in his face only made it that more enjoyable. Returning to the kitchen to fetch her glass of water Buffy came back and settled into the couch with remote in hand.

_This is so going to be worth it. Xander will get a kick out of it too._

Sipping her water Buffy smiled as she got more and more into the plot. Tonight was going swimmingly. Great fight. A pseudo–apology from Spike! A great movie that Xander encouraged her to watch and even sidestepping that lame attempt at sabotaging it for her! Buffy let out a particularly chilling evil laugh.

_This can't get any – better? What the...?_

"_Harder! Harder! Oh MISTER SPIKE!"_

"No..."

"_Shut up, slut. You bloody take it."_

"OH MY GOD!" Buffy cried as she watched Spike's naked backside thrust in and out of a very flushed and very naked blonde woman bent over a kitchen table. Jaw dropped Buffy sat on her couch paralyzed and shocked beyond reason as minutes passed with her eye transfixed at what her mortal enemy was doing on the big screen.

And she saw _everything._ The camera angled from front to back revealing that Spike had a body that most hetero women would just love to run their hands over. She had seen Spike shirtless before of course she never took time out to actually appreciate it, much less appreciate the way his muscles flexed and moved in the most erotic way imaginable!

The pair shifted into an entirely new position and...

"How is that even possible?!" Buffy gasped.

"_You want it, baby?"_

"_Yeaaa... So bad!"_

"_Who am I?"_

"_Bad... You're the Big Bad!"_

Suddenly Spike pulled away and the actress jumped off the table. The camera changed angles changed again with the actress getting on her knees and-

"**OH MY GOD!"**

Buffy's neck tilted her entire head to the right in an inverted "L" shape when the truth hit home that Spike had absolutely _nothing_ to overcompensate for. Suddenly Buffy realized exactly _why_ the actress was kneeling in front of him and hurriedly scrambled for the remote to turn everything off. Already she had seen far too much.

Yes she knew exactly how he felt under that red button down shirt from Willow's spell last year but still!

"Bleach," Buffy murmured shell-shocked as she took the tape out of the VCR. "Brain-bleach!" she whimpered and carried the tape to the garage where she threw it into the nearest trash can. "Brain-bleach not invented yet," she realized and hurried out of the garage and back into the house. "Not invented and OH MY GOD!"

_How was that thing with the chair and the ceiling light even possible?_

"Shower!" Buffy exclaimed and climbed up the stairs. Course charted her thought process was flying at warp speed. Pushing her way past the bathroom door she shut it behind her and couldn't shed her clothes fast enough. Alternating between shock at what she had witnessed and deciding to finally get her hands on an actual forgetting spell she turned the shower temperature all the way to cold before plunging in.

"I'm going to kill him," Buffy's shivered with lips and teeth chattering under the freezing stream. "From dust to dust his unlife is officially over!"

* * *

The next night on her patrol Buffy had only one goal:

Wipe that smug look off of Spike's face.

As angry as she was Buffy knew she wouldn't dust him. She thought about it. She dreamed about it. She whittled a new stake and carved his name onto it. Despite all of that and her urge to stick something pointy inside him to see how he likes it she knew, deep down, that it wouldn't be right. She would regret it afterward.

And yeah, all in all, he pulled it off. He got her good. Really good. That didn't mean she wasn't going to threaten him under threat of staking that if he told _anyone_ he would meet a dusty end. Of course that threat would only happen after a very memorable beating up and down all over Restfield – as soon as he got here at least. It was still very early and despite her careful watch Spike had yet to make an appearance. She knew better than to sit atop his crypt but she did find a spot far enough away to not be detected by his disgusting vampire nose yet read to strike when he did show up. When that happened he was hers.

An hour passed and she never shirked her vigil for a moment. Another hour passed and still she waited. However when it was getting on three she had to call it. Not only were her legs cramped but she had to finished the rest of her rounds. Determined to set a record time for her patrol Buffy sprinted through the remaining cemeteries, intent on returning to Restfield as soon as they were cleared. Hour and a half later she was back in that same spot, sweating from her run. For all her efforts Buffy ran into no other would be vamps and demons.

Unsure if he had snuck in when she was occupied elsewhere Buffy did a quick perimeter scout around Spike's crypt. There weren't any tinglies but that didn't mean that "bloody" vampire hadn't found a way to mask his presence. It wouldn't be the first time he resorted to a spell. With that thought in mind she charged into his crypt with stakes in both hands. No joy it was as her senses had told her, nothing. Zero signs. Screaming in anger she took out the stake carved "SPIKE" and left it in his chair to find. He would get the message.

Storming out she reached for her iPod and fiddled with the ear buds, plugging them in both ears before selecting her favorite playlist. Remembering what Giles taught her she started to slow her breathing and count to ten.

_One-Two-Three-_

"_YOU'RE THE BIG BAD!"_

Buffy's eyes bulged out of her sockets as her ears were suddenly filled with sounds of Spike having sex. Worst the audio clip he had doctored into her playlist was clearly from the same porno. Every single visualization from the night before came rushing back into her mind's eye.

Another scream rang out across the cemetery.

* * *

"He's dead," Buffy muttered as she stomped her way back into her house. "He is dead!"

She couldn't take it anymore. She really couldn't. She needed to vent. She needed to rant. Hopefully Willow was on so she could-

"What the fuck!"

Polaroid photos littered across her room.

The floor.

Her dresser.

Stuck into the edges of her mirror.

Her desk with her computer.

And of course, her bed.

Buffy's face turned red and a pulsing vein she didn't know she had began to throb angrily away.

Snatching the nearest photo it was a picture of Spike standing shirtless and pantless in her closet with only a pair of boxers shorts and Angel's old coat draped across his shoulders. Hands on his hips, chest puffed proudly, and head raised heroically in a very superhero-esque impression Buffy wondered if she could ever look at that coat the same way.

_Punch his nose..._

Picking up one on the ones on her dresser showed Spike still shirtless and still in boxers but instead of Angel's coat he was trying on her bras.

_Beat him with a baseball bat..._

Snatching one from her mirror she saw a photo of him putting on her favorite shade of lipstick. Worse, when she looked at the mirror he left her a kiss on the glass and wrote out a message in that same lipstick:

"_I respect you ;-)"_

It was all she could do to keep from smashing the mirror with her fist. The lipstick though, didn't fair as well when she crunched it to pieces inside her powerful fist.

_Drown him in holy water..._

Not knowing how much more she could take before exploding Buffy turned her attention to her bed. Ignoring all of the pictures save for the one on her pillow and what she saw was finally the last straw.

_Nail you to your crypt and let the sun rise..._

His duster, those same boxer shorts, and Mister Gordo. With her lipstick smeared all over his lips and duster opened out wide revealing all of his muscular chest and ripped abs to see Spike was lying back on her bed against the headrest and holding her prized stuffed animal in his right hand as his left petted it lovingly.

_Open Acathla and send you to hell..._

Fearfully looking around the room for anything else particularly horrifying her eyes fell onto her computer monitor and what she saw made her eyes see red.

The comments on her facebook page were already pouring in...

To be continued...

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or its characters, places, plots, etcetera. Nor am I making any profit off this.

AN: Some pretty angsty pranks and while Buffy and Spike are will continue to drive each other crazy there is some surprising fallout coming up that neither would expect. Also as my kind sister pointed out Facebook wasn't around in 2000 but launched in 2004. I do like how it is playing into this so I am going to flash a little artistic license and just go with it. Next chapter we see the coup de grace of Spike's revenge written all over Buffy's facebook wall. After which the story takes another surprising turn. Hope you enjoyed!

- S


	4. Chapter 4

Previously: Spike showed up Buffy by mentally scarring her for life! Now he rubs salt in the wound by borrowing Buffy's Facebook to play show and tell with her friends.

**BUFFY'S FACEBOOK**

Date: Today

[Picture of Spike standing aside Buffy's doorway wearing his boots, jeans, and signature leather duster open wide displaying his solid chest and abs. He is also morphed into game face and holding Mister Gordo with his mouth opened and fangs out looking like he is about to take a bite out of its neck]

Tags: Meeee, BIG BAD, Not Angel, Mister Spike, Adonis, Porn Star, Scooby's Most Wanted, Hostage, Saturday, MEEEEE!

Summary:

_from spuffy with love_

who do you think?

Comments:

**ANGEL:**

_FIRST!_

**NATURAL_RED:**

_Spike?_

**SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_lo Red, hows the wicca thing goin luv?_

**NATURAL_RED:**

_Great! Yesterday Tara and I learned more about different colors of auras! Well, I did more since she is a natural with it. Oh, and today we're going to have lunch along the Thames. Yum!_

**SLAYERS_KISSING_SPIKE:**

_London callin eh? Dont forget to catch a show. Noone does skakepeare better_

**NATURAL_RED:**

_OOH! Thanks, totally do that. I always wanted to see it done on the stage. How it's meant to be seen._

**SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_bloody right! Any favrite show? Don't tell me romeo romeo where art thou poofter romeo?_

**NATURAL_RED:**

_I did when I was in High School but now it's all cliché. Much to Ado About Nothing though is really fun. Tara likes it also :-)_

**SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_brillaitnt piece der luv. Thrilled you birds ar enjoin yourselvs_

**REDHEAD_LOVER:**

_Hey Spike! Willow just told me you were on. We're having a great time but I am worried about you. Does Buffy know you're in her room?_

**NATURAL_RED:**

_Yeah, I don't think she would like you messing with Mister Gordo either :-/_

**SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_naw luvs es nothing to get wkred up ovr. Olespike is jus sending slayer a message is all_

**REDHEAD_LOVER:**

_We heard about that prank she pulled, is this your revenge one?_

**SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_part yeah but I think this is mor private tween me and her. She want to clue yous in hers perogative_

**REDHEAD_LOVER:**

_Yeah we saw what she did :-(_

**NATURAL_RED:**

_Not that you didn't deserve it though. That thing with Adam :-/_

**SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_well yah, ^_^ EVIL. Suss all hearts and daises though, weve stabkusglis – bloody hell – ESTABLISHED boundaires_

**LA_CORRECTIONAL:**

_NICE 6 PAK BLONDIE ;-) Or is that an 8er?_

**SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_gotta keep in shape, luv. Wen workin out its 8 but me just standin round, not flexn, its a 6. intentional and all, 6 looks better my opinion_

**LA_CORRECTIONAL:**

_And your in Bs room? LOVING THIS! Saw that picture she nailed you with, this your revenge?_

**SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_yeah I found that bit but to b fair your her mates and we havent axectly been carpoolers. All fairs in love n war_

**LA_CORRECTIONAL:**

_Maybe we were "mates" at 1 point but since then me and B havent been seeing eye to eye. Curious what the rest of your revenge prank involves?_

**SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_heard bout hat. Tell me yo have lovely hair and real a wild side_

**LA_CORRECTIONAL:**

_Really? Wild side?_

**SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_they see insane – I see fun, in all the wrong places_

**LA_CORRECTIONAL:**

_And I see galloping a hot bod like yours until you pop like warm champagne ;-)_

**SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_warm champagne?_

**X-FURY:**

_Sike! Get ut f Buffy's rm! NW! (srry, the P buttn desn't wrk nw either)_

**NATURAL_RED:**

_so both the P and O buttons are sticking? How is this happening X?_

**X-FURY:**

_NT THE INT RIGHT NW WILLS!_

**CORDYLUV:**

_Angel wants you out of Buffy's room Spike. He also wanted me to tell everyone that he is still "FIRST"_

**SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_tell that wanker to piss off and sell his stock in hair gel. Weathers no good for it this season_

**CORDYLUV:**

_Exactly! I've been trying to tell him that!_

**X-FURY:**

_Hell! Am I the nly 1 nt liking a mass murderer messing with my friend's stuff? Hw are you even n her facebk?_

**SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_first, stop shaggin on your keyboard. Second, how do yo soddin think? Changed password and her screen name ( wink wink *_

**NATURAL_RED:**

_You're STILL in her room? Buffy's going to dust you!_

**SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_maybe, right now shes staking out my crypt... oi no pun intended_

**X-FURY:**

_WTF? Why is she at yur cryt Sike?_

**SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_like I was sayin erlier. This facbook scheme only part of what I have in store for her. Lot went down day last, got her all hot and bothered and wanting a piece of yours truly_

**LA_CORRECTIONAL:**

_loving this :-)_

******MISTER_IOWA_BIG_LOVE_RUFFY_4EVA_AND_EVA:**

_You're dust Spike_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_heard that before soldier boy_

******MISTER_IOWA_BIG_LOVE_RUFFY_4EVA_AND_EVA: **

_GET OUT OF HER ROOM!_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_or what? Bloody 'ell, HARRIS! STOP RINGING HERE!_

******MISTER_IOWA_BIG_LOVE_RUFFY_4EVA_AND_EVA: **

_YOU HAVE HER PHONE?!_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_cor, was easy too. Sleight of hand and swap one mobile with an identical has anyone ever told you your love texts are nauseating?_

******LA_CORRECTIONAL:**

_- official blondy fangirl :-D_

******X-FURY:**

_What's a Suffy?_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_beg pardon?_

**X-FURY:**

_SUFFY! Yu wrte it n her wall_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_ah, magic is in the prose whelp ill let ya sus the one out_

******CORDYLUV:**

_Oh so it's like bangel?_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_bangel? That's just bleedin pathetic. Makes me want to gobble up a danish_

******REDHEAD_LOVER:**

_Oh! I could really go for a pastry right now. Stomach's all rumbly._

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_not that kind of danish luv_

******NATURAL_RED:**

_Eew! Gross Spike!_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_you are what you eat_

******CORDYLUV:**

_So is that why you're such a pig?_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_bravo cheerleader_

******RIPPER_2000:**

_Honestly Spike?_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_ripper2k? Rupes might want to check on infringement, bloody positive that' s a blender_

******RIPPER_2000:**

_Dash it all I have an early day tomorrow. __Stop calling me Xander._

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_pick it off the hook, what I did for slayers flat phone_

******NATURAL_RED:**

_Huh, what else are you doing there Spike?_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_sides helpin meself to the slayers knickers drawer?_

******MISTER_IOWA_BIG_LOVE_RUFFY_4EVA_AND_EVA:**

_Unbelievable! Willow you need to deinvite him!_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_aww come now cardboard, stop soilin your drawers and grow a pair alls fair in love and war. You sods kicked in my door and trashed my telly, slayer is hardly better_

******X-FURY:**

_SIKE! Xander wn't leasure me nw. Yuve gt him all uset and mdy!_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_believe me pet you're better off_

******X-FURY:**

_hw d yu knw? Xander never said anything abut yu 2 having sex when yu were sleeing here_

******LA_CORRECTIONAL:**

_And the hits keep coming! You had a thing with X blondy? Did he last only than 7 minutes with you?_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_oh yeah * wink *_

******X-FURY:**

S yu did have sex with Xander! What the hell Sike? And Faith, hw d yu knw Xander's average?

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_all too easy_

******LA_CORRECTIONAL:**

_LOVING THIS! God why do you have to be a vamp? Now I do want to pop you like warm champagne!_

******NATURAL_RED:**

_Anya, Faith and Spike are just teasing. They didn't have sex with Xander._

******X-FURY:**

_EVIL! YU ARE EVIL SIKE! YU ARE GING T THE BIG DUST BWEL IN THE SKY!_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_why so riled up there lover? Dont want your hunny to find out about our 7 minutes of spander time? Oi, warm champagne?_

******LA_CORRECTIONAL:**

_Magix in the mystery blondy, think about it ;-)_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_bloody hell, when do you get out?_

******X-FURY:**

_EVIL! Bth f yu are EVIL!_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_realx whelp, we'll make room for you faith you get a vcr in there?_

******NATURAL_RED:**

_Spike! Seriously!_

******LA_CORRECTIONAL:**

_A tape player? That's a pipe dream, why?_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_have this video you might be interested in seeing, think you'll enjoy it_

******X-FURY:**

_Seriously?_

******LA_CORRECTIONAL:**

_Why's that blondy?_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_your other half seemed to_

******X-FURY:**

_OH MY GOD!_

******NATURAL_RED:**

_SPIKE!_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_thats what our girl said_

******LA_CORRECTIONAL:**

_LMFAO!_

******MISTER_IOWA_BIG_LOVE_RUFFY_4EVA_AND_EVA:**

_No way._

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_she said that too * wink *_

******MISTER_IOWA_BIG_LOVE_RUFFY_4EVA_AND_EVA:**

_Buffy would never do anything like that with you_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_ok you got me, called my bluff. Soul boy on the other hand..._

******MISTER_IOWA_BIG_LOVE_RUFFY_4EVA_AND_EVA:**

_You're not fooling anybody Spike. All you're doing is making it that much easier for Buffy to stake you when she gets back_

******DINGOBABY:**

_Why is Spike eating Buffy's stuffed animals?_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_that ugly swine is fine, whatsd happin here is retaliation_

******DINGOBABY:**

_Kind of weak_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_really?_

******DINGOBABY:**

_Well the picture and trolling her facebook thing_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_right was tellin your mates that this sus only the finale of what I trumped her with_

******LA_CORRECTIONAL:**

_Do tell :-D ?_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_ill leave that up to the slayer you bein her mates an all_

******LA_CORRECTIONAL:**

_That bad?_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_bird has some nasty nukes she could chase on me if I step out of line, need something of my own to shoot back_

******DINGOBABY:**

_So it's a mutually assured destruction thing._

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_bingo fido_

******NATURAL_RED:**

_I think Tara is right, this prank war is so going to get out of hand._

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_maybe, only way it ends is her waving a white flag. Anyway, it's about that time kiddies. Your pal the slayer wil lbe coming round shortly and spike needs to sticky up her keyboard for she returns_

******NATURAL_RED:**

_Oh Goddess_

******CORDYLUV:**

_Did he just say what I think he said?_

******LA_CORRECTIONAL:**

_OMG! I love this guy!_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_ta luvs, maybe we'll work some spaith time out in the future yea? * wink *_

******X-FURY:**

_NEED BRAIN BLEACH NW!_

******REDHEAD_LOVER:**

_I think he's gone now. I hope Buffy is okay._

******LA_CORRECTIONAL:**

_Might still be there. Depends on how long it takes to make B's computer stickied_

******NATURAL_RED:**

_How did you get friended Faith?_

******CORDYLUV:**

_Angel._

******X-FURY:**

_S the ther neighbr hd undead, we knw way t many dead guys_

******CORDYLUV:**

_So stake Spike?_

******NATURAL_RED:**

_He can't defend himself._

******CORDYLUV:**

_Not really understanding the difference but whatever. Tell him to leave then. He has legs._

******REDHEAD_LOVER:**

_Buffy has her reasons._

******CORDYLUV:**

_All I'm saying is there's more than one way to? Err, can't think of a decent catch-phrase!_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_Gone with the wind?_

******LA_CORRECTIONAL:**

_Wow, you stickied up fast ;-)_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_Sry Faith but your date has ditched you with the bill_

******MISTER_IOWA_BIG_LOVE_RUFFY_4EVA_AND_EVA:**

_Buffy!_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_She is me unfortunately. I miss my screenname :-(_

******MISTER_IOWA_BIG_LOVE_RUFFY_4EVA_AND_EVA:**

_You miss being chosen?_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_Chosen_Sux_

******X-FURY:**

_Dnt wrry Bffy, just g t his cryt and unch him. He'll cugh it u and then dust him_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_Not that easy Xan_

******MISTER_IOWA_BIG_LOVE_RUFFY_4EVA_AND_EVA:**

_So he does have something on you_

******NATURAL_RED:**

_He said those pictures you had of him were nukes?_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_They'd ruin his cred, moreso than it already is_

******X-FURY:**

_Then what des he have n yu?_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_Nothing I think_

******X-FURY:**

_Yu think?_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_I'll track him down tomorrow. Get my password back at least, stupid dead guy..._

******X-FURY:**

_asswrd and a sme dust t ut in an urn? * fingers crossed *_

******MISTER_IOWA_BIG_LOVE_RUFFY_4EVA_AND_EVA:**

_Xander's right. Dust him already. I know I would if I was there_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_It's complicated and if any1 does dust Spike it's me. Okay?_

******CORDYLUV:**

_So make him leave town._

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_Because that worked so well when?_

******NATURAL_RED:**

_He does have a habbit of coming back. Deinvite?_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_Not yet. I need to see him first. Look I will handle him. I'm sorry our thing spilled over onto here_

******NATURAL_RED:**

_It's okay Buffy. He wasn't that bad anyway is mister Gordo okay?_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_He knows better. He touches MG and his duster is gone._

******X-FURY:**

_I still think yu shuld dust him_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_I think I need some sleep. I'll cya guys tomorrow * hugs 2 all *_

******LA_CORRECTIONAL:**

_4 sure B, can't wait to hear your spuffy moment ;-)_

******SLAYERS_KISSIN_SPIKE:**

_Remind me to thank Angel for friending you. GOOD NIGHT!_

To be continued...

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or its characters, places, plots, etcetera. Nor am I making any profit off this.

AN: This chapter was a challenge as at his point in his arc most at length conversations Spike holds with characters other than Buffy revolve around threats and shop talk, which can get old quickly. The original version Spike uploaded a different photo that sparked a much more hostile back and forth with the end result of Riley and Angel on their way to Sunnydale to dust Spike. Next chapter Buffy gets back at Spike, or does she? Hope you enjoyed the read.

- S


	5. Chapter 5

Previously: First it was ruining Spike's black on black and then it was scarring Buffy for life with images that would plague both her nightmares and fantasies. June is past and Buffy decides to get back by showing Spike that when you hijack the Slayer's facebook the consequences will be severe – aren't they?

**MISTER JULY**

"Dru, baby..." Spike murmured sleepily from his bedding atop his sarcophagus. "Meant nothing to me, see? Summers' head all stuffed just for you my Black Beauty."

It had been weeks since his prank on Buffy and so far she had showed no signs of retaliation. At first she had been angry but eventually they resumed their normal patrol pattern and were back to trading barbs and belittling one another like proper enemies. Last night's patrol hadn't been too much fun for him, for some reason the slayer was going out of her way to drive him especially bonkers. It ended with yet another sore nose and hefty bar tab at Willy's. By the time he got home Spike was barely conscious.

"What's this, Princess? You drew a bath for," Spike's eyes fluttered open and what he saw left him nearly speechless. "Me?"

His crypt was flooded in water.

_What the hell?_

Groggily blinking his eyes he sat upright and looked around his crypt, trying to discern the source of the overflow. It wasn't so high yet, roughly six-inches deep, and thankfully his television remained untouched. In fact its power cord and input cables had been disconnected and placed atop of the set, keeping them safely out of the water. Turning his head he saw that the same could also be said for his fridge. His crypt was flooded but his two biggest appliances were out of harm's way. It was almost as if-

"What the?"

A big yellow ducky pool float was floating nearby. He had never seen it before and certainly didn't have one in his home.

_But then why would?_

"That bitch!"

* * *

"The vertigo is gonna grow," Spike hummed from atop his crypt. "Cause it's so dangerous... dangerous?"

Spike furrowed his brow as he rolled the lyrics over in his head. It was tricky getting down these newer songs, especially ones he had been listening to for less than a day. Still when he had been toying with Buffy's iPod two days ago, fixing it with the audio from his sex tape, he found himself listening to a couple of her patrol tunes and a few stuck. Snapping his fingers and slightly bobbing his head along to a beat only he could hear Spike grasped for the lyrics just beyond his reach as he patiently waited for the night's entertainment to arrive. Keeping an eye on Restfield Cemetery's entrance he knew it was only a matter of time until that bobble-head of blonde came stomping through the wrought iron gates.

"You'll have to sign a waiver," Spike continued and turned his attention away from the entrance to look up at the starry night sky when something flashed out of the corner of his eye. Snapping his head to the left his eyes shot wide just as a softball size rock crashed into his face, directly on his already aching nose. Caught completely unaware Spike lost his perch, slid, and fell the ten feet to the ground shoulder first. Groaning in pain he touched his fingers to his swelling nose and felt a trickle of cold dark blood beginning to drip.

"Let me guess," a particularly snide voice callously announced over the graveyard. Sure enough when Spike lifted his eyes he was greeted with the sight of aforementioned blonde bobble-head coming from the opposite direction of the cemetery entrance. "Fumigating your hole in the ground?"

_Huh? She must've hopped the wall._

Spike broke into a chuckle when Buffy came to a stop next to him, looking at him expectantly.

"Can't help it if I think you're funny when you're mad," he shrugged helplessly.

"What?"

"Forget it," Spike shrugged and took his fingers from his nose to clean the blood away with his tongue. "Nice arm, luv."

"Did you just taste your own nose blood?"

"Yeah what of it?" Spike asked, indignantly. Off her look of disgust Spike rolled his eyes. "Well what the hell would you do if you bled hot fudge?"

"Gross, Spike!" Buffy looked to continue degrading him but frowned and looked quizzically down at his feet. "Are you wearing sneakers?"

"Yeah," Spike said blatantly and wiggled his bright yellow shoes at her.

"Why?" she pressed, still struck by the oddity of Spike wearing something other than his signature Doc Martens.

"Figured we'd be running circuits around Sunnyhell by now – only this time me the mouse and you the cat," Spike explained and then gave a furtive glance at the rock Buffy had smack him with – only it wasn't a rock. Squinting his eyes he recognized the outline of Buffy's cell phone, or rather the fake cell phone he swapped for her's when he stole it. "Although, had I known you were planning on sniping me I would've worn a helmet. Swear, Summers, first kicks to the bits and now bleedin' phones to the snosh? What's next?"

"First? You're a rat, Spike. Not a mouse. Two? Just be happy it's not wooden and pointy," Buffy taunted. "After what you pulled last night?"

"Last night or the night before?" Spike probed with a playful glimmer in his eyes.

"Both!" Buffy snapped. "And what did we agree on about Mister Gordo?"

"The stupid pig? He remains unbitten," Spike reminded and reached his hand into his duster to retrieve a familiar cell phone. "Misplace something?"

"Maybe your fingers," Buffy scowled and opened her hand for it.

"My fingers?" Spike repeated and tossed the phone perfectly into her awaiting hand.

"That is what I said," Buffy nodded and checked over her phone for any dents or scratches. "Since you have this habit of putting them in places where they don't belong."

"So you misplaced _my_ fingers?" Spike questioned and leered her body seductively. "Not sure I followed you round that bend, are you suggestin' places where they shouldn't go or places you wish they would go?"

"You're a pig, Spike."

"If I am then you're the one who likes to watch the piggy play in the pen," Spike grinned mischievously.

"What-what? You watched me!" Buffy shrieked as another thought immediately occurred to her. "Were you taking photos?!"

"No and bloody 'ell do I wish now," Spike hooted.

"Then how did you know-?"

"I didn't," Spike said, his voice filled with evil mirth. "Except you just told me, Goldilocks."

"Oh God," Buffy groaned, once again mortified by evidence of Spike's uncanny intuition about all things slayer related.

"This night still going the way you pictured it, pet?" Spike teased.

"Might want to think about checking the knots on your sneakers," Buffy hinted. However it was an empty threat and they both knew it, no one would be doing any running that night. At least not from each other. "I suppose I should be thanking you."

_At last the main event._

"That so?" Spike mused and used the wall of the mausoleum to help pull himself back to his feet.

"Oh, don't get me wrong! Every fiber in me wants to strangle you until your head pops off but you held back on the facebook thing. Your choice in weapon? You went with the mildest of the pictures you snapped. The others would have been a lot more damaging. My friends would've wigged."

"They would've," Spike nodded and then his eyes sharpened. "They still could."

"So that's it then?" Buffy concluded. "Long as I have pictures of you pink and shirtless you keep holding the ones from last night?"

"We can't kill each other," Spike reminded her. "Least this way we can keep each other honest. No go breaking our little rules we signed off on. The day you show up waving your white flag I'll hand off both the copies and negatives."

"That is never going to happen," Buffy said stubbornly.

"Never is a long time, pet, and unless I'm off my mark last night left you lil' peaked? You sure you're up to handling what I have in store," Spike jabbed.

"It's my turn now, Spike," Buffy replied and lowered her voice menacingly. "And after what you pulled? There won't be anything funny or playful about it. I'm going to make you pay, Spike. By the time I'm through you'll be begging me to me to end it."

"Yeah?" Spike said and smiled knowingly. "That what you tell Cardboard every night you spread your knees and – OW! Again with the nose?"

"How is it not broken by now?" Buffy wondered after she recovered from the quick bop she nailed him with. "You carry magical nasal spray around?"

"Interestin' notion," Spike considered and looked on as Buffy turned to continue on with her patrol. "Think I'll sit tonight out then."

"Make it the rest of the week," Buffy called back. "I still have nightmares starring your bony ass."

"Kitty liked it then did she?" Spike teased, letting his tongue out to slide across his lips.

"My account password?" Buffy demanded and looked back at him over her shoulder.

"Swinging Moose!"

"What?" Buffy said and stopped in her tracks, her face scrunched up in confusion. "Where did you get that from?"

"You know that one thing in my video – with the kitchen light?"

"How is that even possi – oh my God! You're so disgusting!" Buffy balked and hurried out of the cemetery to the sound of Spike's dying laughter chasing after her.

_All too easy._

Spike chuckled and looked down at his sneakers with some disappointment. He had actually been looking forward to playing hide and go seek tonight. Turning his attention to the discarded cell phone he picked it up and found it still functioning. He smiled at that, he really didn't want to have to go out and buy another one. He had already written down all of the names and numbers in Buffy's cell phone list and now he could spend the evening copying them over to this lovely piece of gadgetry she returned. Maybe when Finn gets back he could sign soldier boy up to a few dozen calling agencies. Dozen or a hundred depending on how committed he would feel come the time.

* * *

"Fairly certain this falls outside our bounds of reason clause," Spike muttered, his thoughts turning back to the rules they had agreed on ever since Buffy started this war.

_So be it. That barmy slayer wants to take it to the next level then that'll be her failing._

"Oi, goin' to need one big mop to sort this pisser out," he said quietly. The quicker he started the quicker he could focus his attentions elsewhere – like retaliation.

_That's odd._

Spike turned his head and found his boots actually on top of the sarcophagus lying next to him. He could've sworn he pulled them off next to his chair, like most nights. Not about to question his good fortune Spike reached over and pulled one on and then the other. Not bothering to tie them Spike lifted his body up by the palms of his hands then rocked backwards before pushing himself off the sarcophagus and forward into the ankle deep water, it wasn't until his feet hit the water did he realize his mistake.

"Bloody 'ell!" Spike screamed in pain as boiling holy water erupted on both sides of his jean-clad trousers. Immediately he scrambled back to the safety of his bed. Crying in pain he looked down at his feet in panic. Thankfully his sense of mind to slip on his boots had spared his feet any serious harm. His ankles had taken some burns from the splash but nothing he couldn't overcome. Instead Spike took stock of his situation that left his eyes widening in horror as he began to fully comprehend exactly the predicament Buffy had left him in. "I'm gonna kill her," Spike growled as his eyes flashed amber in the darkness of his lair. "Tear out her spinal cord, drink from her brain stem, and throw a party with her lungs as balloons!"

In the meantime though the vampire had other problems to deal with. Pivoting his head from one corner to the next Spike tried to figure out just how he was going to get out of this. All of his living quarter was flooded in holy water. His electrical appliances were in the clear but everything else would, like his clothes, become collateral damage. Granted most of his meager belongings were salvaged from Sunnydale's local dump but still, he put a lot of effort into making his home habitable. He had plans to expand it this summer, carving out a sub level below, but until this puddle was drained?

_If that bint's mum wasn't such a right lady I'd do more than flood her flat!_

Wincing from his burns Spike examined one leg and then the other. His jeans and boots had shielded him from the brunt of the damage but he was still stranded. The pool floaty Buffy had left him, salt in an open wound, was far too small and would do him no good. Luckily the water wasn't deep enough to submerge the top step that led to the door of his crypt. If he could just make it there then he would be home free – that was until he remembered that it was still in the middle of the afternoon with sunset hours away. Smart money was to wait until dark then make a move but Spike's temper and fear for personal safety vetoed the notion as soon as it manifested. Instead he gathered the blanket he had used for bedding atop of the sarcophagus' stone slab lid and prepared to make the dash from his crypt to his car. He'd have to leave his prized duster behind but at once he reached the confines of his beloved desotto he could grab a spare shirt.

Then he would pay a happy Fourth of July visit to a certain slayer. Warily eyeing the deceptively innocent looking water Spike's brain went into overdrive to plan a way out. If he moved quick enough he could wall-run and jump off the side of the wall and land on the safety of the top step. Then it would be a matter of draping the blanket over him and stepping into the light of a deadly summer day.

_What a wonderfully fatal plan, Spike._

Rolling his eyes and promising vengeance against all bitches named Buffy, Spike bundled his blanket and took a moment to steel his nerves. It wasn't impossible. He could do this. Sucking in the breath he didn't need Spike braced himself for the worst and half jumped half ran up the wall to his right. As soon as he felt himself losing momentum Spike pushed off with his legs, cleared the deadly pond, and landed solidly onto the top step. No worse for wear Spike laughed at the slayer's feeble attempt of revenge. Later on he would head to Willy's and see about hiring a couple of demons immune to holy water to pump the water out.

_Then, slayer, you are mine._

Reaching down he felt for the doorknob and moved to turn it only wrench his hand back and curse in pain.

"Bollocks!" Spike sneered as he examined his right palm, noticing the bright red burn that closely resembled the imprint of a crucifix had him groaning in frustration. Darting his head down he saw not one but three miniature crosses dangling from the knob. Running out of options Spike tightened his blanket around him and did a quick three count. On three he led with a mighty heave of his shoulder and checked the door open, stumbling out into the bright sunlight. Despite the protection of the blanket he still shrieked out in pain. Kicking the door shut behind him Spike rushed to the nearest offering of shade. Under the cover of a tree his stormy blue eyes scanned in every which direction, searching for any other hint of a followup prank. By now it was very clear that neither he or Buffy would resort to something as simple as a one-trick revenge prank.

Still after a full five minutes of scrying his surroundings Spike found no further evidence of trickery and deemed himself safe if only for the moment. Not to waste another second he leap-frogged from cover to cover, inching closer and closer to the safety of his desotto. Rounding the corner of a clump of trees he was all but home when his eyes fell upon the car and what he saw made Spike's stomach drop.

_No..._

"Buffy loves Riley," Spike read behind clenched teeth as he took in the sight of his car's new custom paint job. "Pink again," he muttered. "Even the bloody tires!"

Snarling in disbelief Spike surveyed the car from his spot under the safety of mother nature's foliage. He could only see one side but that alone was bad enough.

"Xander says sucks to be you?" Spike squinted as he continued to read the sprawling lines of text Buffy had included. "The impotent one? Poor man's Angel!"

_My crypt..._

Spike set his jaw and rushed the last fifty feet to his car, throwing himself into the backseat.

_My ride..._

"Think yourself so clever you bitch," Spike grumbled and sifted through his car's backlog of junk until he found his spare black tee. Smiling triumphantly he pulled it on then switched seats, climbing into the front. As he turned the ignition over Spike wasn't sure exactly what he would say when he saw her but he knew it would be to her regret. She had made her move and he had to admit, it was a very nice play. As always though Buffy had underestimated Spike's resourcefulness and ability to think on his feet. Now it was her turn through the grinder and he would be nowhere near as gentle.

Just before he pulled out Spike glanced on his dashboard and found a polaroid waiting for him. It must've been taken earlier that morning, while he was still passed out from last night's bender.

_Oh no._

With his car's new custom paint job in the background Buffy stood proudly in the foreground with his prized duster draped over her shoulders. Her pose was eerily similar to what he had done with Angel's coat he had found in her closet. Spike had been in such a hurry to get out he didn't even bother looking for the duster to take with him. Now only did he realize the awful truth, written across the photo in lipstick alongside a lipstick kiss pressed on the lower right corner.

"_Love the Leather! Buffy – XoXoXo"_

"Like leather do yah?" Spike snarled in outrage and pressed down on the gas pedal. "Keep it. I'll get me a new duster – I'll bloody well tan it from your hide!"

* * *

"Buffy," Joyce's voice called out from the kitchen doorway, pausing Buffy in her kata. Looking to the back porch door she saw her mom poke her head out and smile. "How many ears of corn did you want?"

"Eh, maybe three?" Buffy decided. "Mom you really don't need to prepare it all yourself. I can wrap my training up later."

"What and miss out on the fireworks tonight? Nice try, young lady. Still, three ears?" her mother questioned.

"Slayer metabolism," Buffy shrugged helplessly. "What time do we need to leave for LA?"

"In a couple more hours," her mother answered. "So grab a shower after dinner and-" A great cacophony of beeping from a car horn, a very familiar car horn, from the front interrupted Joyce and drew both women's attention. "Now what in the world?" the older Summers wondered and left her spot on the back porch to see what the fuss was in the front.

"Hehe," Buffy giggled and returned to her workout. "Now I wonder who that could be," she grinned mischievously.

"Oh," Buffy heard her mother say from inside the house. "She's back here, Spike."

"Oi! Slayer!"

_This is going to be good._

"Think you and I need to have a discussion 'bout our little bounds of reason – and you're perpetual need to overstep it!"

"Come back later, Spike," Buffy singsonged. "Or never," she amended. "I'd be okay with never."

"Where's my leather?" Spike demanded from just inside the kitchen doorway, looking out at her across the yard as she stepped through the choreographed movements of the fight sequence. She had been working on it throughout the past hour, over a dozen times. While practicing the kata was good for muscle memory it was also important for balance and breathing. Alternating the tempo of the dance, her first four run-throughs began slowly – focusing on sticking every kick, every punch, every step and stance. Then it became about holding that composure but streamlining it. Making each move blend into the next. The key word was fluid while staying balanced and maintaining focus.

Sweat dribbled from her brow as she paced herself under the hot July sun. Gaining more confidence she stepped up the pace. Instead of two steps forward and one step back Buffy only moved forward. The objective was to build up more and more. After the basics and graceful fluidity came power. No longer was it about going through the motions but ensuring that every strike, every block, every jump was focused with all of her strength behind it.

Buffy held her hands together like she would grip a head and slammed them down onto her knee as she stepped through a simulated knee strike. Without stopping to regain her stance she moved forward. Her mind empty all Buffy heard was her breathing and the names of each move.

_Downward striking block, move your hips – your whole body, to block the kick and capture mister evil vampire's leg._

_Breathe in._

_Pull the leg in, make mister vampire stumble, twist around and roundhouse kick with ball of the foot extended to the mister vampire's head..._

_Breathe out._

_Turn and choke-block mister vampire number two's neck as he tries to bite me from behind. Focus grip on the neck and..._

_Breathe in._

_And knee strike to the nose, downward elbow strike to the back of the head, and then a headlock – stake him..._

_Breathe out._

"My leather!"

_Couldn't he have slept in just a little longer?_

"Basement!" Buffy instructed to the overly anxious vampire.

"Buffy, did you assassinate Spike's car?" Joyce demanded.

_So much for training._

"It's not like I popped his tires!" her daughter defended. "His TV and fridge are still good too. I made sure to unplug and store them safely before flooding his crypt. Nothing irreplaceable!"

"You flooded his crypt!"

_Oops._

* * *

"Thank you again for dinner, Joyce," Spike said from underneath his blanket in the jeep's backseat.

"Oh of course, Spike," Buffy's mother said warmly from the front seat as she drove the three to the fireworks display in LA. "Although I've never seen a hamburger eaten that rare before."

"Eew," Buffy groaned in disgust.

"There was so much blood."

"Actually no," Spike replied. "Butcher's drain nearly all the blood when it comes to slaughter. What you have instead is water mixed with a protein called myoglobin. May appear as blood, but just a trick of the light."

"Still very raw," Joyce insisted. "Although, it wasn't as if Buffy's father never had a blue steak."

"The ones in Frankfurt are particularly euphoric," Spike mentioned.

"Can we please talk about something besides blood, sex, and food?"

"When was the last time you saw fireworks, Spike?" Joyce asked, placating her daughter's wishes.

"Thank you," Buffy exclaimed in relief.

"I caught a show down in Tijuana a couple nights after our drink together last year, Joyce," Spike answered.

"Our drink together?"

"You had drinks with my mother!" Buffy shrieked.

"Oh you mean the chocolate! You're talking about Buffy's senior year, before she blew up the high school?"

_And there's a sentence every mother wishes she could say._

"And fine cuppa that was, Joyce," Spike smiled. "Loved those bitty marshmallows."

"Buffy, is everything okay?"

"My mother is talking to my mortal enemy about hot chocolate on the way to watch fireworks together," Buffy said detestably. "What part of this is okay?"

"How is Drusilla, Spike?"

"Oh God," Buffy muttered. "You had to ask."

"Well after I told yours where the Whel – er – Xander and Willow were I went back south. Got drunk in Mexico-way, sussed when I caught that show. And then-"

"And THEN," Buffy interrupted. "Sid here caught up with Nancy only for her to – big surprise – act like a total ho and jump some fungus thing."

"I thought it was a chaos demon?" Joyce frowned.

_So many demons!_

"No it was the chaos demon then the fungus demon," Buffy reminded cheerfully, clearly enjoying the chance to twist a knife into Spike by bringing up Drusilla's past transgressions.

"Actually no," Spike rebutted. "First it was Angel, and then then chaos and then-"

"Oh please!" Buffy huffed.

"Angel slept with Drusilla?" Joyce was shocked.

"No!" Buffy defended.

"Bloody right he did," Spike snapped. If she was going to make an effort to drag his love through the mud then Spike was going to make sure he took hers down with him. "I was stuck in a sodding wheelchair and the love of your life made his every effort to stick it to the love of my life every chance he could get."

"Well this all sounds very complicated," Joyce remarked. "I'm glad Angel had the sense to finally leave you, Buffy."

"He wasn't Angel. He didn't have a soul, he was Angelus," Buffy said, excusing the other vampire for what seemed like the hundredth time.

"You mean like Spike?"

"Huh?"

"I am nothing like that poofter!" Spike declared.

"But you don't have a soul?" Joyce said, looking up into her rear view mirror to read Spike's expression only to see nothing but her backseat.

_Right, vampire._

"Spike is nothing like Angel," Buffy announced determinedly.

"Thank you," Spike said, relieved that someone else got it.

"So he's like Angelus?"

"That's even worse!" Spike cried.

"Kind of," Buffy hedged.

"No, not kind of! None of," Spike argued. "I helped you put that tosser in the ground."

"I'm confused," Joyce sighed.

"Welcome to my world," Buffy muttered as her fingers rubbed her brow in aggravation.

"At least this way you still get to see the fireworks," Joyce said, deciding to try and cheer Spike up. "I had no idea you were looking so forward to them this year."

"It's just been so long," Spike said over dramatically much to Buffy's chagrin.

"Yeah right," Buffy growled. "Your car is perfectly functional. Just because it's pink doesn't mean it won't drive."

"Which Buffy will make every effort to paint back to it's previous coat," Joyce said, fiving her daughter a look that spoke volumes on how this was not up for debate.

"Oh think nothing of it, Joyce," Spike said sweetly as he watched Buffy squirm in discomfort from her spot in the passenger seat. Then a lightbulb suddenly went off above Spike's head. "In fact I am more concerned with the renovations to my crypt I've been planning."

"Oh?" Joyce pondered.

"What?" Buffy said in disbelief.

"I've been meaning to add a second level. A sub level. Some room for a bed and other creature comforts," Spike explained.

"Well that sounds very ambitious," Joyce remarked.

"Indeed, Joyce," Spike nodded. "Was thinking about hiring some local boys out to help me clear way. Lot of manual work. Money's tight though."

"Oh! Well Buffy's been looking for something to occupy her time with," Joyce suggested helpfully.

"No," Buffy whispered in horror at the designs beginning to take shape.

"Really?" Spike drawled playfully, desperately trying to keep from snickering. "I never would have imagined."

"No friggin' way!" Buffy said heatedly, glaring stakes at Spike.

"Honestly, Buffy," Joyce admonished. "What else do you have to do? Besides it's only fair since you flooded his crypt."

"He broke our window!"

"Which he paid for," Joyce reminded and looked back at Spike. "Thank you by the way. I've been meaning to get that window replaced for some time now. Your money was more than generous."

"Think nothing of it, mum," Spike smiled charmingly.

"Don't call her mom!"

"When did you plan on beginning renovations?" Joyce asked, overruling her daughter's stalwart objections.

"Two days," Spike replied quickly, seizing the opportunity.

"No," Buffy repeated.

"Buffy will swing by Sunday night to help," Joyce decided and directed her daughter with a pointed look. "It is the least she can do after all," Joyce continued, not taking her eyes off of Buffy. "Even more so since you've been helping my daughter with her vampire slaying this summer."

"How did you know that?" Buffy gawked.

"I was concerned about you patrolling alone this summer and had a conversation with Mister Giles. He assured me that it was in Spike's interests to keep an eye out for you during your rounds," Joyce explained.

"He helps because he gets off on it!" Buffy wailed. "And hello? Training! Like I was doing only hours ago! Before Mister July here crashed the party."

"So what else have you been up to this summer, Spike?" Joyce asked, her mind made up on the matter.

"You might say I've been expanding my wardrobe," he said slyly.

"Oh, where do you shop?"

Buffy groaned.

* * *

"Oh! I forgot the wine coolers," Joyce exclaimed. Several roads leading into the Angeles National Forest were closed off to avoid congested holiday travel. While a bit off the beaten path the national forest that overlooked the greater San Gabriel Valley offered a spectacular view of most Western Los Angeles and to the Pacific Ocean beyond. While semi-secluded it was still the summer holiday and there was a laundry load of other visitors jockeying for places to see the night's fireworks display, miles off in the distance.

"I'll go back for it mom," Buffy pleaded as much as offered.

_Please! Anything to give me a break from him!_

"Buffy, you and Spike are already carrying the blanket and folding chairs. Go on ahead, I'll meet up with you afterward."

"I don't know so much, Joyce," Spike replied, a surprising dissenter Buffy realized. Ever since he showed up at her house he had gone out of his way to be a pain in her ass. First crashing their dinner and now their outing to LA to see the spectacular fireworks display. "It's crowdin' somethin' fierce an' my nose can better track my way back to you."

"Yes!" Buffy jumped, for once not grossed out that Spike could smell everything from her hair conditioner to – er?

_Scratch that – always gross!_

"Thank you, Spike, I appreciate the offer but I'd rather you use that nose to find us someplace nice and free from too many others. Besides," Joyce added and waved her cell phone at them. "I'll call Buffy's cell and she can direct me to you. Nice and easy. See you soon kids!"

"He's twice the age of you and me combined!" Buffy yelled after her mother's retreating back. When her mother only grew smaller in the distance Buffy turned her eyes back to her distasteful holiday companion, shaking her head ruefully. "You must be loving this."

"I'm like a fine wine, Slayer. Better with age," Spike teased and shifted his grip on the two chairs he was carrying. With a "come hither" wink he led Buffy further up the trail, passing by several other couples and families who had come to the overlook. The sun was setting but luckily for Spike there was enough shade from the surrounding forest that he could stick to indirect sunlight. Ever since the afternoon the entire city sky had been exploding with every color imaginable and since then the city-wide display had only increased in its intensity.

The pair continued their trek in silence. They had put a good half mile from where they parked their car and were in the thick of the festivities. Watching people laugh and enjoy time spent with family and friends left Buffy feeling hollow. She was thrilled to be here with her mom but she missed her friends. She missed Riley and wondered what he was doing right now. Apparently he saw the fireworks yesterday with his family and friends from his hometown. Old faces from Hemery filtered into her mind as she recalled the time before being called. Life was so much simpler and not for the first time she wondered where she would have ended up had destiny not come knocking.

_Definitely wouldn't be strolling through the woods with the bane of my existence. What was I thinking of spending my summer like this?_

"Penny for your thoughts, Slayer?" Spike questioned once they were past the majority of the crowd.

"Oh just the usual," Buffy chimed with false sweetness.

"Ah," Spike smirked. "Wishing you were with anyone but little old me?"

"Nothing about you is little, Spike," Buffy fired back. She managed three steps before stumbling as her brain fell into the gutter. "I can't believe I just said that."

"Well you would know," Spike reminded and once more Buffy's mind replayed the highlight reel from his tape.

"Seriously though," she said, still astonished. "How is that even possible? And your hands! Were they always that bendy?"

"All the better to crush your skull in," he quipped.

"Pretty sure that line line was left out of Riding Hood. Remember? It goes 'the better to know you?'"

"Hmm," Spike considered as they moved past a small clump of trees. "Well I do know you," he reiterated.

"Unfortunately," Buffy commented dryly. "Cracking my password and hijacking my webpage sealed away any remaining doubts."

"All the better to drain your dry," Spike tried again.

"Better," Buffy agreed.

_There! Death threats and promises of violence. So much easier to deal with him like this._

"Have to lend yah some credit though. Props on the prank," Spike said suddenly, catching Buffy off guard. "Handed me my proper comeuppance what with the flooding then booby trapping my doorknob. Top it off with the horror you did to my wheels. Not bad."

_So much for easier._

"You had it coming," Buffy said, thinking back on how he scarred her mind with sights and sounds of Spike naked-goodness.

_Wait? Naked-goodness? No! No! Bad! Naked Spike equals disgusting-goodness! Er – disgusting! Disgusting undead and not in anyway good or yummy. Yummy? Stupid vampire. I hate you._

"Have I mentioned I hated you yet?" Buffy asked.

"You hate me and I hate you," Spike responded without hesitation as his eyes narrowed, at last spying what his nose had been seeking. "Over there," her nemesis gestured and Buffy's eyes focused on a small patch of open ground underneath a trio of conifers. Fireworks purchased from private vendors continued to shoot up into the open valley air stretching out several miles below them as the sun finally dipped below the ocean's horizon. After setting up their chairs the two enemies settled in to enjoy the night's wondrous display opening up before them.

It wasn't long before Spike was absorbed in the spectacle but for Buffy it wasn't as easy. She should have been grateful. Ever since his annoying presence had showed up hours ago all she had wanted was for him to shut his yammering mouth. It was one thing to be bantering with him back and forth during patrol or staking out a demon nest in his rolling disaster of a car. There was always a way out. She could always ditch him or make him drive her home. Her mom wasn't around. Without her there Buffy didn't need to watch what she had to say or worry about Spike's evil charms working overtime on her mom, distracting her and making her forget what was really behind that pretty boy face of his. So then why was this silence was so unbearable? She sighed and shook her head.

_You know why, Summers. So just get it over with already._

"I hate you," she began slowly, choosing her words carefully.

"Established that already, pet. Doubled down with jokers wild."

"Shut up," Buffy grumbled and her brow furrowed in thought. "I'm trying to say something."

"My, my, that is a challenge," Spike jibed.

"If you're going to be a jerk then forget it!" Buffy spat, folded her arms, and returned her attention to the fireworks.

"Jeez, Summers," Spike snorted and lifted his hands up in surrender. "Hot n'cold you are. Ever consider your maybe your bipolar?"

"Yes actually," Buffy smiled knowingly. "But given your tendencies to make impulsive decisions and unrealistic ideas about the future, I think you are way more manic-depressive than I could ever be." When she saw how his jaw had dropped and eyes go wide in surprise Buffy giggled, happy to beat Spike at his own game. At his continued speechlessness she decided to take pity on him. "I studied psychology; remember, blood-breath? When I was learning about mental disorders the first thing I would always do is match up symptoms to my own behaviors."

"Everybody does that," Spike said indifferently but at last closed his gaping mouth. "And I happen to be ADHD for you information, Slayer."

"An eternity of acting on impulse," Buffy thought aloud and tried to imagine what that was like. "Wow that would be paradise," she said sarcastically.

"I wouldn't get so high and mighty, Summers," Spike retorted. "You're hardly the picture of mental health yourself. Freud would love to get his scope down that noggin."

"Maybe," Buffy begrudgingly admitted. "But then I have an early expiration date," she deferred with a helpless shrug. "Therapy doesn't work when you're dead."

"Cocked up company you are tonight," Spike rolled his eyes and turned his head away from her for a moment.

"Huh?"

"What was it you were prattling on about?" Spike asked, whipping his head back around and looking at her with a quizzical tilt.

"Again with the huh?" Buffy said, looking at him in confusion.

"Earlier," Spike clarified. "The whole somethin' you needed to tell me 'bout."

"Oh," Buffy said and Spike saw her get that deep thinking look in her eyes again. "You know what? Forget it. It's nothing."

"Suits me, Slayer," Spike replied with a disinterested shrug. The two returned their attention to the fireworks. The main show that would take place over the distant beach had yet to begin but the neighborhood displays were still going strong. Spike's question hung heavy in the air as the silence drew on.

"I hate you," Buffy said, beginning the speech again. When Spike scoffed and opened his mouth Buffy gave him _the look_ that promptly shut him up. "I hate you. I hate you so much, but sometimes you aren't all that bad."

"Wow," Spike drawled wryly once he picked up that that was the extent of her confession. "That was a mouthful. Been working on that speech long have you?"

"Well what did you expect, Spike? You tried to kill me how many times? Then when we had our truce you went ahead and sold us out to Adam-"

"Hey," Spike interrupted. "What can I say? The guy knows his audience. Promised me a blessed chip lobotomy. What would you be willing to do if you lost your powers?"

"I'm nineteen, Spike," Buffy said and looked to him expectantly. When he only continued to stare at her Buffy sighed and shook her head. "Some 'Slayer of Slayers' you are."

"Nineteen?" Spike frowned and gave her words further thought. Buffy watched as the gears churned inside his head and sure enough it came to him. "Council of wankers."

"That they are," Buffy affirmed.

"The Cruciamentum," Spike nodded and scratched the back of his neck. "Surprised they didn't ask me to do you in."

"Would you have?" Buffy asked, narrowing her eyes as she studied him closely. She watched him give it some thought, which all but answered her question. "Of course you would," she said with the utmost of scorn.

"What? And gift those gits a show?" Spike shook his head in disgust, drawing a surprised look from Buffy. "What?"

"So then what was Halloween?" she challenged.

"Bloody 'ell, woman. Do you ever let go? If you recall I was tryin' to save Dru's life? Getting you out of the way became a priority. How far would you go if it was Angel's life on the line?"

_Hate it when he does that!_

Of course Spike saw right through her and she saw him open that big annoying trap of his to take his shot – only he didn't. Buffy waited and then waited some more. He had her dead to rights but it sure seemed like he was taking his sweet time.

"Well?" she demanded.

"I think," Spike began and suddenly found his black painted fingernails very interesting. "Sometimes you aren't so bad."

"Oh," Buffy said quietly.

_That was not expected._

"Yeah."

The two fell into another lapse of silence only not nearly as uncomfortable as before. Each lost in their own thoughts the quiet was broken only when Buffy's cell phone rang, her mother looking for them. It was dark and crowded so Spike left to go find her and then escorted her back. It was so natural that Buffy didn't comment or question his motives. When he returned, her mother's arm in his, there was no more talk about their past or their antagonistic relationship. Instead they broke into an almost pleasant conversation with Joyce mediating when needed.

When the show at last began the three looked on in peaceful silence and when it ended Spike had only one thing to say.

"Happy Fourth, Slayer."

Buffy couldn't help it, she smiled.

"You too, Vampire."

_Maybe tonight wasn't so bad after all._

To Be Continued...

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or its characters, places, plots, etcetera. Nor am I making any profit off this.

AN: This was a fun chapter to write, especially when Joyce was involved. Not much else to say other than if you have any suggestions please include them in your reviews. No pranks for next chapter but there will be plenty of back and forth between Buffy and Spike as their summer continues.

Reviews: Firstly a big thank you goes out to Valerie, I took your advice and posted this onto Elysian Fields. It's a big hit and for those interested in reading some Spuffy-centric stories that is a very active site to visit. Given the nature of his choice in cross dressing I was of the mind that Buffy wouldn't want people like Riley seeing Spike trying on her underwear. As for the keyboard? That was Spike just messing with the Scoobie's heads. I really appreciate the comments on the fun bantering and humor. This is my first foray into comedic writing and that was something I was uncertain of, I'm very pleased you are all enjoying that aspect of it.

Thank you all for your thoughts and I hope you enjoyed the read.

- S


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